I tensed as Cancer pulled me close, fear taking over me as flashbacks of memories I thought I had suppressed came flooding back.
The first time my dad came stumbling drunk into my room when I was ten. The smell of stale beer flooding from his mouth as he told me to stay quiet whilst he was running clumsy hands all over me. Then leaving me crying alone in the dark.
More sober now but when I was 12 him sneaking into my room and pulling the clothes off me as I closed my eyes and waited for it to end. When it did I locked myself in my wardrobe waiting for morning.
he most recent memory was when I was 16 him pushing me up against the wall and reminding me that if I ever told anyone he would kill me.
The tears streaked down my face as Cancer held me. I don't even know why I told him, it just all came flooding out and now there was no way of taking it back and all I could do was cry into his arms.
I could tell he didn't really know what to do but right now he was all that was holding me up.
Eventually I stopped crying, it was as if all the years had caught up on me and the grief just burst out all at once. I felt Cancer pat my shoulder awkwardly. I pulled back away from him and continued looking at the floor, the fear taking over me and I knew that if I looked up at him I'd see the disgust in his eyes as he looks at me.
He sat back on the edge of the bed muttering so etching that sounded vaguely like an apology for not being of any use. I sat up next to him "I-it's ok," I stumbled over my words "I guess it's a little difficult to really come up with anything to say when faced with something like that," Cancer just nodded and stayed quiet, I looked up at him and tried to read his expression but he just looked deep in thought as if trying to come up with something to say.
The anxious knot in the pit of my stomach pulled ever tighter and the fear crept into the corners of my mind again and I shuffled up to the top I the bed and pulled my knees up to my chest, the way I used to after Dad had come to visit me in my room.
Cancer looked over at me "do you want me to find you something better than a towel to cover up with?" a small smile danced across his lips as he said it but I couldn't allow myself to believe that he still saw me in the same way. I nodded and looked down, burying my face in my knees as realisation that he wanted to get away from me flooded through my head. I felt him briefly hug me before he went off to search the ward. I stayed curled up in my tight little ball on the bed but I looked up to watch him moving around and looking for clothes. Wondering what will happen next, will he ever see me the same way? Will he ever even want to look at me again after that? I felt dirty and sick and all I could think about was that if I let go I would fall to pieces.