Insecure

So what are my greatest flaws?


I have quite a few flaws, really. I guess one of the biggest is my self-esteem. I always think I look horrible, even when my boyfriend calls me beautiful or when people tell me I look nice. I say thanks, but never believe them.

There are some times when I sort of believe it, though. I see myself on my webcam sometimes and think "you know what, I am kinda pretty." But it passes very quickly and I just think I'm ugly again. I also think I see myself as bigger or fatter than how other people see me. I see my weight as a problem, and I feel insecure in it. Even though I'm an average weight for my very tall height (5 foot 11 inches) and I'm not fat at all.

My second biggest flaw is that I have serious social anxiety, which is something I don't tell a lot of people. So if you're actually bothering to read this, you're one of the only few people who know anything past my incredibly happy facade. I can barely talk to people I don't know well enough. I blush, my hands start sweating, this feeling opens up in the pit of my stomach that I absolutely hate. I think... the closest thing I can relate it to is dread. I also dislike people who don't understand what it's like, and I hate that about myself. I mean, some people are lucky enough to never have had to deal with social anxiety - with themselves or family members/friends, so why would they understand right off?
The other day I felt so proud of myself for going to a bar and ordering my own food and drink, and then tipping our waitress. Something that comes naturally to most people.

My biggest flaw, however, is that I try far too hard to please everyone, and hate myself when I can't keep everyone happy. I also feel guilty for things completely out of my control. Things I couldn't do anything about and also had no place to do anything about...

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