"Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, your a mile away from them and you have their shoes."
"When I die, I wanna go peacefully in my sleep, like my Grandfather- not screaming like the passengers in his car."
First two by Jack Handy.
"I never understood why people are more afraid of the dark then the light. At least at night, your fears are in your head. During the day, they're reality."-Me (unless someone else already said it and i don't know about them).
"Have a nice day... somewhere else."-T-shirt
"I used up all my sick days, so I called in dead."- T-shirt.
"I'm gonna open up a suitcase shop that also specializes in shoehorses and weaponry. It's gonna be called Guns'R' Us." - (Inspired by my friends. I'm still working on that portable refrigerator, guys)