When it gets to nine messages long I think that's a sign
that I really ought to say this to your face.
Predictive text doesn't like it, is used to other words,
and it suggests things like 'Tumblr' and 'butts'
as though to amuse me and remind me of the laughter.
Thanks, but no thanks. I'm a little busy right now.
I don't say it to your face, though. Mainly because
it's one in the morning and I ought to be asleep
and I have school tomorrow while you have another day
of wishing you were somewhere else.
It's a long time since you had school, and that, I think,
is part of the problem.
We are very different people, you and I.
You pretend that we are not, but we are. Perhaps I
have been dishonest with you about my personality.
Funny that. You say I'm the one you can be yourself with
and I feel that you are the last person who ought to see me
as you always tell me that it's okay.
Sometimes, I think you need to know that it's not okay
and that in itself is okay because I want to know
that it's okay for everything not to be okay
for me not to be okay for me not feel like I ought to be okay
just to accept that today it's not okay
and that's okay. But I don't know.
Anyway, so I write you this message, nine messages long.
Silence. Have you got it? Are you offended?
I misread it. I misread the whole thing -- I'm an idiot --
see I hardly know you, you got it wrong,
I can't even tell what you're thinking and now
I've screwed it all up again -- gods I'm sorry.
You reply. Maybe your message was nine texts long too
and it took you a while to type. Five perhaps, I guess,
from the length and that.
I didn't get it wrong. Or at least, I got part of it right.
Well, that's something. I'm not a fool after all.
Maybe I am, because I'm fairly sure I didn't mean it.
I meant it but only because I felt I ought to mean it,
like I felt that was what I ought to feel and think
and do, yet again. But at the same time
there was truth in those nine messages
a grain. A kernel. I think you know me well enough
to be able to tell where it was.
But I really ought to say things to your face.