Here is what I am in my mind:
Thigh-deep in mire, struggling to escape.
When I finally am out of it just a little bit, the demons come and push me back down.
I stretch my hands towards the little candlelight I see.
As the demonic shouts fill my head.
Ripping my body back, away from the little hope I had.
Their chants fill my ears.
Dropping my hands, because I can't fight against it anymore.
Leaving me alone in bitter darkness.
My friends and family don't see the darkness.
They see this cloudy light that surrounds me.
This self-made light
They say I'm fine, so I hide the sadness.
Because when I do open up, there's a quick solution to everything that is important to me.
They say I'm strong, so I hide my tearless eyes.
Why can't I just be listened to?
Why can't I just be held?
Why can't I just be loved?
Why can't I just be worth the time?
What do I want to do?
I want to see my arms bright pink.
I want to see my legs have beads of red.
Because when I see that.
I know the pain will be gone for a while.
I know I will have paid just a little of the price for being a burden.
I know that if I were to vanish, nobody would even care.
I know that with those little red marks, comes the ability to hide it all inside.
To become perfect.
No more tears, no more emotions.
Because emotions have betrayed me.
They have cast my heart to the side.
So I'll sit here alone and cry, holding it all inside.
Because I will not be a burden, a hindrance, a bother, a painful subject.
I will not be those things, even if it kills me.