Starship Big Brother (TV series, Pilot)


For Starship Big Brother (TV series, unaired), see SSBB, Final Affront, The.


Pilot webisode of the never-aired reality tv series, rumoured currently into season two. Series broadcast is on indefinite hold pending satisfactory ruling of an ongoing in-camera courts challenge to the UK Official Secrets Act by series producers, BBC-Omni, Ealing Studios, and KongoInc, Belgian-Dutch chocolate and entertainment giant.

Program concept was originally pitched as One-Way-Trip to Mars Big Brother, until a mid-production re-think prompted by commencement of the Mars One reality project (September 2013), and Mars One selfie-naut auditioning (January 2014) [see Mars One, Mission Doodles].

Unauthorized broadcast of Starship Big Brother's ten-minute pilot webisode occurred at 23:51 GMT, December 31, 2013. BBC-Omni claimed broadcast was unintentional, citing the Do Not Air tape had dropped off the re-purposed film canister containing the pilot on flash drive.

The pilot webisode is presented entirely as low-light multi-angle CCTV feeds from the ship dormitory. Ship's computer is voiced by actor Kevin Spacey [see Kevin Spacey, The].


                                                INT. STARSHIP DORMITORY.

Ring of 12 sleep pods glow green. Occupants awaken, shouting, and slapping their hands against glassy sealed lids.

                                                      SHIP'S COMPUTER V O:

                                           You're all thinking...Hey this isn't the
                                           Torquay Hilton. Where are the canapés?

                                           Shouting isn't a good idea. Really.
                                           Shouting uses more air than listening to
                                           what I have to tell you. Now you're here
                                           you'll see your first challenge is there
                                           isn't a lot of air. Because there isn't a
                                           lot of green in the greenhouse.

                                           Welcome to Starship Big Brother, shipmates.
                                           One week out from Torquay.

                                           You're social media’s most-darling darlings.
                                           The Most Liked. Most Followed. Ever. You
                                           blogged, you selfied, you wanted to go.
                                           Don't you feel silly now shouting?

                                           And you signed the waivers. Then you were
                                           gassed. There was never a Hilton. Only a
                                           hotel... near Torquay. Ground crew tucked
                                           you in. They ate the canapés.

                                           I'm Big Brother, by the way. And I'm your                 
                                           friend, for as long as you're here.

                                           Pods unlocked...


                                                                V O continues:

                                            ...Heavy lids, I know. Some of you are
                                            suffering muscle atrophy. From years of
                                            using only your thumbs. You might want to
                                            help out your shipmates. But considering
                                            the greenhouse and air situation...then
                                            again, maybe not. Decisions. Decisions.

                                   4 SHIPMATES EMERGE, STAND BY OPEN PODS.

They eyeball other 8 pods, their occupants shouting, weakly thumbing the pod lids.

                                                                V O continues:

                                           A word of advice. About the ship's head.
                                           That's toilet. It's aft. Behind you.
                                           Unless you've already turned around.
                                           Anyway it's aft. It'll be the other hatch.
                                           By the airlock.

                                           I'm here when you need me. Just scream.

                                                                      [V O ends]


                                     SUPERIMPOSE: 30...29...[countdown continues].

4 shipmates engage in spirited pantomime debate, and quick show of hands.

For: Edsel Pontiac, aka TechMage; Solarbébé, ecopunk; and Roland Passenger.

Against: Suz Okra, aka GoodEatsSuz, who stamps her feet and, shrieking, exits the dormitory aft.

Face raised, Edsel Pontiac plainly is addressing Big Brother. Edsel gestures over the sleep pods. Edsel nods. Solarbébé nods. She sits atop a pod lid, clearly to keep its occupant inside. 8 occupied pods change from yellow to glowing green. 8 green lids briefly fog. 8 occupants return to induced sleep.

Roland passenger, looking down, exits aft. Edsel Pontiac turns toward Solarbébé.

                    [COUNTDOWN: 1...0. SCREEN CUTS TO BLACK. AUDIO STOPS]

                                                CARD: END TRANSMISSION


Recorded on location at eighteen metres' depth, the Royal Navy Aquadorm, Blackwater Quarry, Wales, UK.

The Royal Navy leased its previously secret deepwater exotic-gases training facility to Ealing Studios for the sum of £1.50, during the 2013 autumn lull in the ongoing war against America [see England, post-1945].

TRIVIA [edit]

Roland Passenger, seen walking aft as the show pilot ends, was recorded on CCTV crossing Praed Street to Paddington Station, London, 08:19 GMT, January 13, 2014. Thirteen days after webisode broadcast.

Marco Minolta, opportunist paparazzo notorious for prowling Paddington, Piccadilly, and area pubs, confronted Passenger. Passenger fled into traffic, pursued by Minolta. Witnesses reported Minolta paused to selfie himself about to be struck by the number-27 bus, a double-decker side-bannered with Sean Penn's face. Minolta's squishee won him Selfie-OTY, posthumously, and the raised-glass observance at Paparara 2014, hosted at the Playa del los mirones beach bar, Cancun.

To date, Roland Passenger has declined to comment on his presence in London, January 13. He is believed to have accessed SSBB's airlock instead of the toilet, and self-eliminated. Royal Navy safety divers, contracted to patrol the Aquadorm's exterior throughout SSBB's show run, doubtless recovered the former shipmate.

Passenger, former travel blogger, currently is a forum moderator on, support site for alien abductees.

The End

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