Breaking my silence

I don't write to escape. I don't write and hide my words. I don't write and apologize. I write to say something. Anything. Everything.

It's the only way I can truly speak.

Without needing to apologize. Without feeling like an idiot. Without being cut-off in mid-sentence. I write what I need to say. Want to say. Have to say.

I write to say things I that I don't say in an "outside voice", fearing ridicule. Fearing misunderstanding. Fearing that I cannot express what I think before being cut from the conversation. Fearing that I cannot argue my case strongly enough. I can no longer count the times that I have spoken aloud and been reprimanded for saying the wrong thing. Or skipping out on the important points I wanted to make. Or been  scorned because I could not clearly communicate what I meant, resulting in minor catastrophes in relationships with other people.

But writing never lets me down like my mouth does.

I am shy, quiet, and seem lacking in opinion when in a verbal match. But when writing, I am bold, I am loud, and my opinions can come out to play, either bluntly or wearing the face of a fictional character. The fears melt away, lost to the carefully chosen words, the emotions written between the sentences, and the expression of everything that I've soaked up from the world during those times that I am shy and quiet in the "other" world.

I visualize it as dumping out the thoughts and emotions in my head like Allison from The Breakfast Club, proudly and deliberately dumping the contents of her eccentric shoulder bag on the couch, saying "this is all a part of me, wild and crazy. But here it is - what are you going to do about it?"

In the end, writing leaves me to face the world with a collection of thoughts that I can proudly and deliberately say, "This is me, parts of me, weird and unpredictable, and I just don't care. All of the emotions that I express through characters, as concepts, or as fleeting moments in time - they are my inner self and everything that I've seen and felt just coming out to connect with you. This is how I see the world. This is what I think. This is what I have to say without putting both feet in my mouth."

The End

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