This is a way for me to let out the last 11 years and how i feel, and what a ride those years have been.
Why do I stay alive, is it because there is still some hope that there is still something in this world for me. Or is it the hope that things cannot possible get any worse.
Every night I pray that I will not wake up and every day after school I mentally kick my self for all the things that I have not done or that I should have done. For the 11 years that I have been at school 3 of the 4 closest friends have move schools or turned their back on me, and the forth I question why I still call them only a friend. My fear of the unknown has meant that I have pushed them to a distance which I can not recover from. For fear of making things a whole lot worse. If not for my self then for them.
Most of the time I question why I even have any friends as they always disappear or end up hating me. I wish that school would just hurry up and end so that I can just disappear and never return. Forget all of the issues of it and start fresh in a new and hopefully much better society.
People judge, because they are human, they will never understand because they do not know or because they do not want to understand. When you go to school for 11 years and the only thing that ever happens to you is to be hated and to be ignored, and yet miraculously everyone is your friend when technology fails, and to be thought of as one of them (a machine, a part of technology, emotionless), you begin to think that this is the expected normal of society, and that this is the normal for every one.
I would like to believe that I am not alone. But in this world were society hates, and the media sets the fire. I question who my friends are and why I am still alive. I question if anyone would ever care if I just disappeared.
I question why I have friends and who I can trust. I still listen to people but they will never listen to me. I will always help were possible, but when the times comes can I trust them not to turn their backs on me and to help me.
My fear of the unknown has also meant that I cannot push friendships as I do not believe that what I would want would ever occur. I am the hated emotionless person that wishes that I reset and try again. I am the one that gets blamed even if I have no involvement or was not present during any negative event, I am the one that gets forgotten for helping.