It's pretty much a solid 3 months into school now. What can I say so far for this year.
I think I'm barely clinging on to happiness.
Well, a bit like a philosopher named DesCartes who believed that nothing could be certain/believed in except 'Cognito, ergo sum', meaning I think therefore I am, I'm starting to feel less certain about everything around me.
Who are my friends? Do I really know as much about them as I thought I did?
And for me, no matter how long during my life it would take me to find a career that I enjoyed or at least, one that I could feel satisfied with, I knew that the one thing I could do that would make me feel human enough to live, was to make people smile.
To make people smile, that's all.
That's all, ha! Getting a lot trickier as everyone else's lives around me seem to get either more problematic or hell-like.
I feel like I'm failing to empathise with everyone now. The ones who I manage to keep happy all the time have relatively few significant problems like me, and the ones who seem to frown more and more each day have problems which either they don't want to share with me, or they just think I'm incapable of understanding.
Maybe I am. Doesn't mean I don't give a shit. Doesn't mean I'm faking my personality just to try to boost the moral of an increasingly sinking mood amongst some of my friends.
I'm making my silly, stupid, pathetic jokes and faces because, although it probably IS pathetic, it's the only way I know how to say I care.
No-wonder so many people, including my own friends, give me weird looks of confusion or demeaning looks every time I try to do something funny. They don't know or have forgotten why I do it in the first place.
They are the only reason why I live and stop myself from doing anything really stupid, they are the reason why I get out of bed everyday to go to a school where I'm learning tons of crap that I don't give a fuck about.
I need them.
But it seems more and more apparent that they don't need me. That I just make their lives HARDER to bear, not easier, that I reinforce their bad mood, not lighten it.
Well, that does have me stumped.
Maybe I should just jump off a cliff! No, no, bad idea Jay, you'd finish the job of ripping their hearts out for them. All you're allowed to do is watch and feel a fraction of everyone's pain in silence.
And trust me when I say the accumilation of feeling everyone's 'slice of pain' is quite large.
But of course I am naive, I am clearly inexperienced and a coward.
*sighs* I've run out of any train of thought again. I don't know how I can come to a conclusion that helps me solve my problem. A solution that can maybe not solve everyone's problems, but make them a little bit easier to handle.
And yes, I think I probably am doing it for my own happiness just as much as everyone else's. I. Am. Vain.
What am I doing exactly?
Procrastinating probably. Just biding my time while I think about all the things I SHOULD be doing, calculating the outcomes in my mind to see if even a single one will produce some kind of hopeful outcome.