When did it all go wrong?
Not a couple of days ago, no, a lot longer ago than that.
The day I was introduced to 'the group'.
My friend took pity on me, she had seen how much I was suffering (or at least that's what she thought) from being alone. From spending my lunchtimes alone; reading, studying, locking myself in my thoughts- probably the time when I was bullied the most, I appeared more vulnerable on my own then, maybe I was.
But I was coping life with little friends, sure I craved company like mad, company that wouldn't patronise me, be condescending towards me, respect me for who I am.
But, I fell into the trap, so did they, believing that I was always nice, always happy, never vain, always selfless, a real people pleaser. The truth is I'm a mistake, not in the parents forgot the condom way but in the sense of being a human.
I'm not decent, I forget to care, to observe all the time, because I tried hard, I tried really hard, to be a good friend not just to some but to the world.
I couldn't manage that.
It seems I can't even manage being there for one person.
Sorry. It seems like the most meaningless word ever. Like when you repeat a word over and over until for that split second you've actually forgotten what it means.
I know sorry isn't enough. How many time have I said to myself and others that the english language is rubbish, disfunctional, it has so many synonyms for so many words. But for an apology, or I apologise, there's only one other word: sorry.
I would give anything to turn back time. Anyone would. To a time where I didn't screw up, where I didn't get repeatedly misinterpreted because of how little emotion can be seen in the written word. Nobody knows what I'm thinking.
I actually wish people did. Maybe they'd be able to figure out my thoughts for me, understand how much regret and self-loathing I hold.
But to me, words are almost meaningless, good for passing the time, but for meaningfull things?
It's not enough.
So what else is there to do?
Cry? I can't do that, my emotions are drained by loss and suffering, not always, but often.
Curl myself into a ball, rocking back and forward until things go away? Sadly that doesn't work.
Helplessness. How can I be fully human if I always feel helpless? Humans are capable, resourceful beings, so I should be too.
Ha! Don't make me laugh. Well, there's no point trying to make me laugh, it won't work until I'm seconds from my grave.