What am I doing with my life? My relationship with Hannah has gone totally tits-up; its somehow sincerely filled with love, hate, betrayal and many other horrible things that have poisoned our relationship. She still gives me those looks that say 'what is wrong with you you wierdo?!'. Alienation? No, its more horrible like that, makes me feel like I'm nothing, like all of a sudden everything I do is weird and stupid and she looks at me like, like I'm worth NOTHING. What did I do? The answer can't be nothing because something about her has changed. Then there are those looks that are oh so similar but have such a very different meaning. They say 'stop assualting me and calling me a liar, my argument is valid, makes sense, I'm right and you're stupid and horrible for saying I'm wrong'.
This is why I can't fight with people Jo, no-one will ever be able to understand how much more it hurts me than it hurts them. Impossible to describe, to voice properly, because your mind is individual, right? *Sighs*
I have nothing to do this holiday, apart from 2 weeks work experience in a school that will tell me if I even want to be a primary school teacher or not, three weeks in a country with a bickering, sour family that I don't want to be a part of, and, no matter what, I always feel like my grasp on EVERYTHING I love is slipping away, somehow...probably my fault.
Love life? Fuck that, what love life? I feel too heartless to love my own friends and family at the moment because I'm becoming so afraid of being hurt in return, heck I am! I've lost that level of trust in everything, in EVERYONE, even if they don't desrve this...lack. But, I don't want to go back to that system of isolation, I just don't, but I always wonder: it would probably be better, I wouldn't screw with other peoples minds and they wouldn't screw with mine (as much). No they would, unintentionally, my memory can still remember to a certain extent every bad thing I've done, but it distorts the memories to pure, uniform, negative feelings. I can only remember myself creating hurt, inducing fear, stirring pain and hatred. It is impossible to deny if you could have been in my position for the last 15 years that I have caused more shit than love and happiness.
I want to see all of my friends so much on one hand, but to see them seperately, one-on-one, so that.....is that how ridiculous and sad I've become? I'm actually interpreting it as some sort of battlefield, but the blows to my defences are all inside the mind, I..I can't repair them. I don't know how.
I'm still holding it together on the outside, I smile at most of the right times. I admit I unsuccessfully hide my expressions from the world. But what's the point? No-one can guess what I'm thinking, they're not me. I can't explain what I'm thinking, I'm not autistic, fairly certain, but there's something wrong with my mind, so I can't explain myself either.
I'm not even making sense, my thoughts completely erratic and scattered. I'm like a jittering, paralysed sheep, bleating in vain, cries for this tragically hopeless character to be obliterated.
So I can start again? So I can start somewhere else? Maybe I don't want to start anything, maybe I just want to... not be.
On an unrelated topic I think the government is being too strict on assisted suicide. Like this guy who recently became paralysed (sp?) and his life has crumbled into shit right in his hands. And he can't even claw at the shit because he can't move his hands. He can't physically commit suicide himself, but so many people want to prevent him from dying. And then there are cases I've heard about, related to death row. This one man was on death rown in AN american state (I can't remember which), for committing murder. Before the execution he somehow got the opportunity to overdose on drugs and was so close to death. In response he was taken to the hospital and given the drugs to help save his life, then right after he was fully back to normal, they killed him with their preferable method (again I can't remember).....
Sick. Fuck. Indescribable. Sometimes life isn't meant to be (mental link to Prometheus, awesome film),.... it just isn't meant to be. Call me heartless, stupid, thoughtless, ungrateful, uncomprehending, ridiculous, crazy.
But I know this already.