After two weeks, revising, lazing around... mostly lazing around. I just thought that with this amount of time I'd be able to amount some sort of conclusion, some sort of plan for my future. Can I tell my friends what I want to say? No. Most likely outcome is I word it wrong, I hurt them and that's it. No more love. Or support. Or trust. Nothing. I'm so scared. I don't know what to say, I don't know what to do.
The further I venture out into my future, the foggier it seems. I'm going to end up as... well I don't know.
My theory for why I've done virtually no work this easter is simple. I must do the work that is needed to get to where I want to get, or where I'm supposed to get. But if there is no goal, if I feel everything I aspire for and care about is slipping away, then so does my concentration and my desire to learn, my desire to work for what I want. Because I feel no matter what I do or say I can only make things worse. There might as well be earthquakes making gaps inside my timeline (if you mapped my life out on a map that is).
What do I do to fill the gaps? And I miss crying on a regular basis, like I did so many years ago. For good things and for worse. It made me feel as though I still had feeling, as though I was still human. Now it's like I feel nothing. Like I'm that cyborg from star trek who wants to fully feel human emotions but can't. And I don't know why.