Today I had a revelation, and it was all because of Coldplay. Hehe. Bit ironic for me really, considering how much I used to moan that their music was only ever depressing.
Sitting on the top deck of the bus on the way home, with no tron there, no reason to think about what I thought, it was simply because of the song.
You see over the past few months since christmas I've been dealing with the realisation that I'm in my final half of year 11. All my friends (well, most of them) are now in a relationship of some sort within my friendship group and as selfish as I can be: I've been finding that having less of their attention a lot of the time can be hard. And at times I may have even taken my frustration out on them, for which I am eternally sorry. Despite all this I have grown to love, admire, respect and maybe even be a bit jealous of what my friends have found between each other that I haven't- I mean, I have been going a bit OTT about not having someone to love. Just because I find it hard to share those words in that particular way doesn't mean I'm going to be single forever. I mean I'm 15 for goodness sake!
But the weeks in February surrounding the Mock Exams and post-16 education choices has been the hardest for me. Not only has study leave meant stress and constant worry over 'dress rehearsal' exams and seeing less of particular friends, but I've also found out that at least 2 of my good friends will be leaving the school that I'm staying at for September.
And it sucks.
Unlike me they've been smart and put the importance of their education before the amount of times they're going to see their friends. Because they know that we are too good friends to just stop seeing each other altogether. I on the other hand, chose my school's sixth form because I naively thought everyone else would stay, and now potentially about half of them are leaving.
If I'd have chosen education over friends now like I did for secondary school back in year 6, perhaps I would be better off in the future? But that's the difference; in primary school by year 6 I had little friends, and by choosing education I met even better ones. I put total priority over my friends this time because they are worth keeping, and there's no-one I could meet anywhere that could fill their shoes- I'm quite certain about that. :')
But now the lyrics of 'Charlie Brown' by Coldplay ring through my headphones and it makes me think of everything I've been through with my friends in the past two years.
"Took a car down town where the lost boys meet" The car being my trust and hope and faith and the lost boys being all us 'social outcasts' who in my opinion are far better people than 'the plastics'. My friends are the most amazing people I could have ever met.
"Be a cartoon heart, light a fire, a fire, a spark, light a fire, a flame in my heart." And I do have a cartoon heart, one that's bright with the colour of happiness and it's sole purpose is to evoke a smile into the onlooker's eyes. And the flame in my heart was started again by my friends. I am more caring and compassionate than I was before and when there is pain I can finally feel it- and the burns make me feel human again.
"We'll run wild, We'll be glowing in the dark." Being with them has allowed me to be who I truly am- take what you see- and we all have a reason to excel in the most unlikely ways because of who we are. And I love it all.
"All that matters in the world. All the boys, all the girls, all the madness that occurs. All the highs, all the lows, As the room is spinning goes, We'll run riot, We'll be glowing in the dark." And now every happy, sad, crazy memory I've ever shared with my friends floods through my mind. Their laughter, their tears, their individual smiles, and every hug that's punched me in the heart with love and passion. My eyes start to ache.
I'm going to use a quote from Malorie Blackman's 'Double Cross' to explain this- because I couldn't word it better.
'I did something I hadn't done in years and years. The one thing I thought I'd never do again.
I cried.' But this time after so long it was out of happiness.
At long last I was grateful for what I had, who I had and what I'd achieved. I spoke to one of my friends about what my actual talent could possibly be, and she instantly said " making people happy".
And now I look towards the future, with bitter-sweet tears streaming down my cheeks, knowing that even if our paths never do cross again, and I grow gloomier than my darkest time, I can now always hold on to those precious, priceless memories when I made people smile, be happy even for a while- and the feeling was euphoric.
Good luck to all my friends, I love you all to the bottom of my heart.
The jokers, the confidants, the spirit-lifters- how could I ever forget any of you?
Hehe. Damn tears are starting up again... :'D