FIrst PageMature

Well,
welcome back, Devin.
You haven't wrote in a while.
I hope you are able to start again.
I think it could really help you.
Well,
tell me what you've been up to.
.....
Hey,
yeah it would be pretty good for me to let some of this shit out.
Yeah so I'm not really the same as I was when you last saw me.
I am married, I am a dad, I am in the military, and I think I have discovered that the more I get to know myself, the more I realize I don't myself at all.
.....
Huh,
that's pretty fuckin' weird. ..
.....
Oh,
thanks asshole.
This is why I don't like talking to people.
Well that may be a bit of a, what do you call it.
Um'......
Ah shit I hate it whenever I fucking do this,
I can never remember what the hell I was gonna say, especially whenever I forget fucking words!
....
Shit,
calm down, Devin.
You just kind of said a really deep thing, and I don't know, it's just a little weird.
You realize that you don't know yourself at all, by getting to know yourself?
I mean, that's kind of fucking weird.
What do you mean by that, anyways?
....
Well,
it is like I keep finding out very profound things about myself.
Like I was introduced to the Myers Briggs test, however you spell their fucking name,
and anyways I found out that I am an INFJ and they always feel fucking weird and alone and that no one understands them. So instead me feeling life I am sappy-whine-bag, I feel more like it is just something having to do with the way that I interact with people and the way my brain is wired.
OH,
and speaking of brain wiring I have found out now too that I have ADHD which explains why I will make knee jerk reactions, like going to college, switching mid year to a different college, dropping out from that college, working at a lumberyard, getting married, interning at a summer camp, leaving and immediately starting a job at a sawmill, having baby, joining the military.
All of that in less than two years.
And has had a larger toll on me than I had ever realized.
Sorry, kind of ranted there.
....
That's perfectly fine, I mean I get what you mean now.
You have a lot of explaining to do.
You said you were going to be a landscape architect.
I mean you were fucking set on that too.
....
Yeah,
well,
I'm fucking not.
....
Shit,
calm down.
Touchy subject?
....
Yeah it kind of is.
I mean, I really feel as though that would have been an incredible career for me.
It hurt a lot, 
when I dropped out.
....
You chose to quit, 
but you wish you wouldn't have?
....
No,
I'm glad I did.
....
???
....
I mean, 
if I hadn't dropped out,
I would not be where I am now.
....
In the military?
....
Yeah,
I mean,
I hope that with everything I've been through I can eventually go back to it, and actually get a degree, and become what I want to become.
Who I want to be,
the man I was raised to be.
....
Aren't you already the man you were raised to be?
.....
No,
my mother never taught me to drink myself to sleep every night.
OH yeah, 
did I
forget to tell you that I struggle with alcoholism?
Yeah,
I can't stop drinking.
.....
I see,
so how can you become who you want to be?
OR, who you're meant to be?
.....
I don't know,
I'm exhausted,
I'm gonna go.
....
Alright.
....
Deuces. ..

The End

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