When I'm alone, my Voice speaks.
She's different to the real me. She's filled with Darkness. When people are around or I'm daydreaming or music is playing (in reality or in my head) she stays away. I've learned to keep her hidden or she just ruins lives.
She would break into my body and say such horrible things. In primary school, I had no knowledge of her but she periodically took me over when the World entered my life at the age of 9. My first best friend would be going to Bristol, forever; leaving me behind. When she broke it to me, I lost it. She, my voice, cried and shouted and said horrible things to her. When she started being friends with another girl (who bullied me), my Voice would sing a twisted version of a song we wrote together. "Rebecca and Robyn are best friends, they always play together." This song used to be about her and me. My voice turned this song into a dark and tormenting tune that battered me and her. In the last few days before she left, I was buried beneath my Voice. She took my small hands and found the microphone attached to the computer. She pressed record.
*shiver* The memory of what I said was worse than what my mum said to me after I'd sent it to Rebecca's e-mail. I was made to listen to what I had recorded. I was stunned. Who is that girl? The one being so cruel, so horrible. The one filled with Darkness.
After she left, my Voice would never be gone for long. In year 5, I was too open and was branded as weird by my class. The bullies would always be round the corner, ready to jeer and mock my personality. My Voice, being the coward she is, decided to abandon me and leave me to the bullies.
In year 6, she took me over again as day after day I would fight with my supposed friend Molly. The Reason voice in my head would scream at me You're meant to be fixing them, not yelling at them! You need to make them happy, not fight and verbally injure them! What the heck are you doing!? At the end of year 6, I had tried to suppress her and was slowly coming back to my own mind. I hated primary school. On the last day, I (not my Voice) yelled, "FREEDOM" at the top of my lungs. People stopped and stared at me but I didn't care. I'd never have to look up at their jeering faces again. I was always quite small compared to them. I was never fit enough, couldn't run fast, wasn't as good at school work, wasn't popular at all. Now I'd have a chance to start a new page.
Lower school. My Voice was particularly useful during this year. She swore like a drunken sailor when the boys and b**ches on the bus bullied me. I was still a weirdo even then. But I had been bullied before and my Voice had a purpose.
After that passed over, she had no purpose so would explode once every so often. I shouted at some people in my class for being horrible to the guy I had a crush on. Then she took me over during this conversation with him:
"Has anyone actually ever had a real crush on you?"
"..." *he jumped up off bench and ran*
SHE RUINED MY LIFE. She made year 8 a living hell inside my head as she taunted over and over how I should have kept my mouth shut, all the while blaming me for what she made my mouth say. I had been talking to myself since I could talk and I started to talk to her (to myself) more frequently. People would stare at me and I whispered and muttered about imaginary ways I could fix myself. I would lie on my back in my room, close my eyes and daydream about him. It was the only way at the time that I could keep her at bay. But at school, I found it impossible to block her out. The Darkness covered my like a thick layer of oil and no amount of shouting, crying, writing, drawing, chicken scratching could get it off me. She took over my mouth to lie to people about how I was feeling. She took over my head so she could convince me no one could save me from the hole. She took over my body to force me to walk round the L block, to sit in the computer room for hours on end. She took over my heart and it started to die.
Year 9 was a splash of cold water on my face. I've said many times how I was fixed by a boy who would then break me again. I don't regret anything cause, without him, I would have become a shadow of myself. My Voice would have taken me over and I would have been Miss Depression (reference to a convo I had with mi amor about a guy in his year. Poor dude.)
But, although they patched me up and pulled me from under the blanket she put over me, I still feel her beneath my skin. I channel her rage into random wolfy behaviour which I one of the reasons why I act like a wolf. And I talk to myself.
Today, I was walking home in the dark and it was drizzling. I talked to her about my day. I told her exactly how I felt, how I yearn for someone who can't be with me at school. How I've missed everyone more than anyone can imagine. How I will surprise-back-hug Tron because he went off on his bike without saying goodbye! XD About how I feel about him now after knowing him for about a year. To be honest, I love him as I love a big brother :). My heart is a complicated thing.
And still, she torments me. She tormented me during the awkward stage when me and Tron weren't talking. Ha! Should have stuck to being friends. Now you have NOTHING. She torments me now for having a heart. For trying to help people get rid of the Darkness. You'll never do it. How can you when Darkness is inside you right now? And I argue with her. I tell her exactly what I think of her horrible, selfish nature and I tell her that I wish she was dead.
She is the only person I know on this planet I truly hate. I may come across some idiotic excuse of a human who drowns puppies for fun and I'll hate them more. But for now, I hate my Voice more than anybody.
If I don't speak for myself, my Voice speaks for me.