I still cannot believe Aaron promised that hag an interview. I got the deets from him as to where they were meeting- 'cuz, of course, I have to be a part of it, being his bestie and all and she walked in with a mocha moustache and ready to pee her pants. Aaron seems to think it's charming or whatever, but honestly, I think she's really just a tad ditzy. Her hair is short, would be just past shoulder length if she straightened it, which she was too lazy to do. The result is messy tousles. I mean I'm not saying flat hair would look good on her either, but it doesn't even look brushed! So far, not the best impression.
"Sorry, Loves. I really had to go." Kyra Lane re-entered the room. Oh good, there's no toilet paper stuck to her shoe. That's so the kind of thing someone as classy as she would do. Aaron swoons at the sound of her voice. He'll get over her once he meets the girl I've found for him.
"So Miss Lane," I start, "it says here that you have no experience being an assistant, but that you've been a bartender. I suppose that means you're good enough to fetch coffee for my dear friend here, however, can you keep up with the fast pace life of a celebrity?"
"Well, as a bartender, my work was very fast paced. It was just go go go, you know?"
"No, actually I don't know. I've never worked such a low-class job before." How dare she accuse me of working in a bar? A filthy, disgusting bar! Like ew.
Aaron decides to pipe in at this point. "Well, I'm certain it must've been real hard work. You seem as though you're the- uh- hard-working type. Yeah, so what would you say your greatest strengths and weaknesses are as an employee?" I must say, that's a quality question, like the kind I would've thought of... almost.
"Strengths... okay... I'd say my strengths are my driving skills, my social abilities, I can be quite outgoing once one has built a relationship with me, oh and I love to write. I got mostly 80's all throughout school so I guess you could say I'm pretty intellectual as well." Wow, someone's full of themselves, not a becoming quality on someone who doesn't have that much to flaunt. "And weaknesses, well I have a sense of urgency to complete projects that are at hand and I triple-check files before submitting them."
"Wow, that was a great answer." Oh Aaron, so easily persuaded.
"On the other hand," I state "in the fast pace life of a celebrity, which you will be expected to keep up with, as I explained earlier, do you really think you have time to triple check everything. By the time you're finished checking, there're three more things for you to do!" By the end my voice was elevated, I should bring it back down, but I'm filled with the heat of the moment of having found some true work-related flaws in this chick.
"I am also very flexible to fit the working needs of any employer." Full of herself, see what I'm saying?
"Tell us, Kyra, about your dream job." Aaron, this is an interview, not a date. Gosh! He's just trying to learn everything about her. I roll my eyes.
"My dream job?"
"Yes, that's what he said."
"Well, I'd love to work in an amicable environment where I feel appreciated and valued, where I am trusted, am challenged to grow, and one that values family, as I am really close with my sister."
"So like, how do you propose to compensate for your lack of experience?"
"Well Miss Greene," Suddenly she takes a pause, she doesn't know the answer! Yes!
"Take your time." Oh Aaron, so generous.
"Thank you. I propose that to compensate for my lack of experience I shall give 110% at everything I do right from the get-go so that I gain experience being the best that I can be!" Wow is she ever perky- clearly overcompensating for her lack of skill.
"I think we have all the information we need, do you have any questions?" Ugh, why must he insist she speak more? Her voice is not nearly as beau-ti-ful as mine. Not even on the same scale.
"Just one." Thank goodness! "When will I hear back to know if I got the position?"
"We will let you know if you did within the next week. You did very well today Kyra. Thanks for coming out." Aaron articulates with the biggest grin on his face.
We shake hands, her skin is as dry as her personality. She was clearly uncomfortable in this interview setting and tried way too hard to be professional.
"That went well I think."
"Aaron, she's clearly not fit for the position, wait until you meet the half-as-beautiful-as-me Swedish-dreamboat Elsa Gynning. You'll get over that little crush of yours and fall right in love."
"Crush? Er-- what crush? I mean I clearly am not crushing on a potential employee. Right?"
"Oh, feeble minds never conquer as they say"
"I don't think that's how that saying goes Aaliyah..."
"Whatever Aaron." I flip my hair back behind my shoulder and smirk. "You are so obvious. L.O.L."
I grab my triple, venti, half sweet, non-fat, caramel macchiato and walk towards the door. "Goodbye everybody, I am sorry that the best part of your day has come to an end and I truly hope you can forgive me for not signing autographs today. I hope you realise that I was here on business and this in no way reflects just how much I adore my fans." Someone mumbles something in the background, not quite sure what it was. Probably just an expression of love.
I start towards my car when I notice a magazine flying through the air with my face on the cover! Wait a second, is this me? This picture has my gorgeous brown hair, but... my natural eyes... and my makeup is running! Oh. No. This is the picture that was taken a few months ago of me. This is no magazine it's-- it's a tabloid.
I rush into the Pick Quick convenience store and buy up their whole stock. While I'm at it I slip the worker an extra few dollars to not buy any more stock of that magazine until next month. Hopefully, he didn't just con me, that would be a travesty.
I throw all the copies into my trunk and rush home. Just then, the phone rings. "Hi, I was just wondering if you'd made a decision about the posting to be Aaron Schaffer's assistant." It's Elsa.