That night I dreamed. I dreamed that I was tangled up in Brink's arms, and he was clutching to me and moving through me. Every sigh and scream echoed throughout his chambers as he teased and pleasured me.
When I awoke, it was in a cold sweat. I sat up too quickly, causing my head to explode with dizziness. What was happening to me? I felt as though Brink had placed some sort of spell upon me, and now he consumed my every thought.
"Snap out of it, Madeline," I muttered to myself. With my head in my hands, I almost wanted to cry, but somehow I couldnt seem to bring forth the tears.
Today I would be expected to dress, to go out and mingle with people I truly felt no emotions for. I was sick of the pretending, of the deception of happiness. What I needed was something so vividly real it brought me to my knees. But did I honestly expect to find that in Brink's bed.
I didnt know. But if there was one thing I did know, it was that I desperately needed my sister. She'd be the only one who could comfort me now, even if she didnt know the exact reason. I called for Mary and sent her to summon Natalia. Waiting amidst the sheets of my bed for her arrival.
When she came, it was with sleep in her eyes and her black hair tied back into a sloppy braid. "This had better be important," she scowled, though there was no venom in her tone. "The sun's barely risen."
I beckoned for her to come sit beside me, and so she did, and for a moment I forgot that life was so complicated now. I remembered the simpler days, when Natalia and I would spend hours doing nothing, just talking and reveling in the fact that we had each other even if there was no one else.
"I fear for myself," I told her slowly. Choosing each individual word carefully. Natalia reached out to place a hand upon my bare forearm.
"Is it the wedding?" She asked knowingly. "Tristan really doesnt seem so bad, you know."
I made a face that told her just how I felt about him.
Natalia giggled a little. "Okay, so maybe he is a bit boring. But he's charming, isnt he? And wealthy, and with a good name behind him."
"I cannot imagine myself in bed with him," I said bluntly. "If I am to be with someone for the rest of my life, I feel like I should be able to picture making love to him."
Natalia adverted her gaze away from me, eyes glazing over as she lost herself in thought. Where did she go, I wondered, that I myself could not see? Where did her mind, her heart lie?
When she returned her gaze to me, it was with a small smile tugging at her lips. "Perhaps you should try to seduce him," she spoke quietly. "Find out how he really is. If it's really atrocious, then you can make up some reason why the wedding must be stopped."
"Natalia!" I scolded. "It is a sin. I would not trade my soul for that."
No. But for Brink...I would be willing to give up just about anything.
My sister only shrugged. "Well, then, I suppose you shall have to order a black gown, for I fear this will be more so a funeral than a wedding."
I gave her a playful shove, and we both laughed a little. It died off and gave way to a reverberating silence, one that cut me straight through. I so wished that I might close my eyes and forget everything, forget the way I felt and didnt feel. Wished that the insatiable lust I felt for Brink might fade away.
I doubted it, though. Something told me this was only the beginning of my interludes with him, and that I would be craving much, much more.