Letters to Ella-day 27

dearest Ella,

i missed you more than ever today, so much that in all honesty i almost cried a few times. The numb feeling is back again, you're the only thing i'm not numb to except for the pain. i thought that I would be ok this time, that this time it wouldn't be so hard because i'm so happy about what we have between us now. For that, i'm happy. Otherwise, i'm not really okay at all right now. It isn't your fault, it's mine for having a breakdown on thursday at a really bad time. If i hadn't than maybe i'd be okay. Oh Ella, i miss you so much that it hurts (literally). 

i can't even get up the energy to type a proper letter that responds to yours (I'm so sorry for being such a *word for a female dog*) , i miss you so much. i don't know if i can make it to the weekend with  my sanity still somewhat intact. It feels like my mind is going to collapse and just melt. What's wrong with me (tears just gave way)?! There's no way that you could ever miss me this much and it isn't fair to you for me to miss you this much. I'm so sorry Ella, I'm so sorry, this isn't fair to you. I should really just shut up and spare you my misery. i promise that I'll stop being such a *word for a female dog* and start really replying to your letters properly, i'm sorry. 

All my love and heart and soul and whatever else i've got (really, that's how much I love you), 


p.s. I still can't bring myself to capitalize my name or the word 'i' , i don't feel like I'm worth much at all anymore

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