Letters to Ella-day 14

My dear Ella, 

It's nice to hear that the concert was good. You said Alice had fun, but you never mentioned yourself, you had fun right? I hope you're having a nice weekend, and you aren't too bogged down with work. I wonder how the play is going (seeing as you're watching it as I write this). Is it well done? What's the theater like? Is the play on campus? I'm sorry to hear that you didn't make it into the play you auditioned for, next time I bet you get in, you're really good. I've always admired your acting (I know that you're not going to think I'm telling the truth but I'm still putting it because it IS true). 

Ya, I'm not doing too well and I'm even more sick than I was yesterday though that last was probably due to the 1830's cooking I did today at the village.  The cooking was complete with wormy apples, wood smoke, burnt bits, soot, and questionable cleanliness of the the cooking area (it isn't really a kitchen, it's a one room log cabin so ya...). I spent a lot of the day finding solace in the ever present tea and the sound of the animals in the barn next door. The only problem is, the tea reminded me of you (not that you weren't on my mind the entire day anyways) so I had to hide my face by tending to the fire and cooking over the hellish flames. Because of this,  much of my time was spent trying to keep from catching fire (did you know it was the leading cause of death for women of the 1800's?) which is particularly difficult when you're wearing a full skirt complete with a lace petty-coat (ew). My eyes are now very red and burning and I smell of wood smoke and hot apple biscuits (that last i don't mind too much). I wish you could have been there, you would have loved the 'mad hatter tea party' that was set up today as part of the special event. It was very authentic, not like the prissy disney versions you see so often. I'll have to send you pictures. I wish you had been there so that I could have shown the baby duck that was born on tuesday, I was 'ducksitting' for close to an hour and I got to hold the little fluffy bird in my arms, he even fell asleep in my hands. You might not have enjoyed the screaming toddlers but I wish you could  have seen the duckling, somehow it doesn't seem as much of a wonderful thing (the ducking) because I couldn't share it with anybody, particularly you, Ella. Gah, I'm going on and on about something that I bet you don't even give a damn about. I mean, why should you care? Really, I can't believe that I'm going on and on about this day. Sure I got one of the wishes I've had for as long as I can remember, but why should you care? 

You should get a fish! Sure, they're not the best company, but they're something. That's why I bought mine in the first place actually. If your stuck for the summer I could look after it if you'd like, we already have fish around so it wouldn't be any more work to look after it (and the shelf where the fish are is out of my sisters reach). I'd suggest a beta because they're pretty hardy, I swear, you have to douse them in bleach to kill them. Literally, mines lived in an inch of water, gone 3 weeks w out food, been dropped in the sink (with no water) and survived the thirty seconds of my attempting to peal it off of the ceramic. Once Liz came over and had to rescue it because I was too depressed to take care of it. Point is, they'll survive anything (including periods of mental breakdown). Who knows, it might be nice for you to have a constant that's there with you. As for Liz and Alice's, I think it might just be overfed, and you never know, sometimes they just go funny when it's cold. 

What sort of things do you do in drama? I'm so curious about that, are the classes mostly practical? Are there a lot of theory lectures? Is it interesting? How about your profs? What are they like? Are they as much fun a miss (i seriously doubt that but what the heck)?  I really really hope you're doing okay. Are you? I wish I knew. 

My classes are alright...sorta. My civics teacher had very good opinions of that poster I was working on the other night, she especially liked that it was done in watercolor. English is really stressful (which isn't going to be helped by the fact that I didn't do my homework)  and I absolutely detest my teacher who feels the same way towards me. Figures, he thinks informal writing is a waste of time (gawd knows what would happen if he saw this). Art is slightly tedious as usual, though in a way, even though it's very stressful, it actually helps with the stress in the end because I can focus on it. I really don't know if everything or anything is okay. I think I'm starting to scare Liz because I'm talking less and less. I'm scaring Pat because he knows that i'm not eating. I'm scaring both of them because they know I'm cutting myself more and more. So I guess from an outside view, no I'm really not okay. Then again, from an outside view I should be in a mental institution with mittens on my hands to keep me from hurting myself. Other than that, I really wish I could tell you I'm okay, but I don't really know if I am.  I guess that yes, I'm not really okay at all. I'm numb to everything. I can't even feel happy when Liz is around. The only time when I'm not numb is when I'm talking to you or when...or when... I don't know. When I hurt myself maybe? No, I'm even numb to that.  I guess what I'm not numb when I'm sleeping. I guess I'm not numb when I can feel pain too. Are you okay? Please Ella, be okay. I really do miss you, I don't just say it. I miss you so much that well...I just wonder if you miss me this much too. I hope you don't because I really really don't want you to be in pain. 

I'm scared for you, 

I love you (with all my heart and soul)


The End

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