"What's your full name?" I asked Rainer as I lay with my head in his lap on the sofa in his apartment.
"Why do you ask?"
"Because I just realised I didn't know"
"Rainer's all I've gone by" he shrugs. I felt annoyance stir within me. Asking someones full name was a simple question. Especially when you were in love with them. I found it odd I hadn't asked till now.
"Are you refusing to tell me?"
"No, just saying Rainer's all I've ever been known as"
I sat up with a frown on my face. "Yeah but I asked for your name" I pointed out feeling like we had just gone round in one big circle. A circle that didn't have to occur it the first place.
"It's James, but I won't answer to it"
"James Rainer" I hum to myself before moving to sit in his lap so I am facing him. "Nice to meet you my names Katrina Low"
"Nice to meet you too" he chuckles. "What's this in aid of?"
"I wanted to know" I merely say as I rest my forehead against his. His arms wrapped round my waist and I was happy just to stay like that. "I love you" I told him after a while.
"I love you too" he replied with a smile making me cheeks heat up.
His lips brushed my cheek and I had to say what had been nagging my mind for the past week. "Don't leave me. I always have this horrible feeling you are"
"I'm not gonna leave you" he said but it didn't convince me and I kept my gaze down. Nothing is said so I get up and start to leave. Rainer caught my hand and I stopped. "Where you going?"
"Back to my place"
"Whats the difference to being here or there? I'm not getting any affection" I said a little harshly in an attempt to maybe get him feeling like me. Upset and a bit insecure that I was good enough. He frowns and I look away from him wondering why he can't see my hurt that he isn't acting. Its like he has stopped trying to keep me.
"Well what would you have me do, pin you and ravage you til the cows come home?" his tone showing that he was vaguely annoyed.
"You use to try a lot more" I say finding myself turn pink from what he said.
"I did. And every time I pushed, you scorned me. I figured I'd leave it up to you instead" he says and I yank my arm from his grip in annoyance.
"So you aren't trying? Thanks" I snap before turning to leave again.
"You'd rather I hounded you for sex every day?"
"I'm not talking about that!" I snap again feeling anger start to boil in my blood. "But since I arrived this morning. You've barely touched me!" He rolls his eyes and before I knew what I was doing my hand came hard across his cheek.
"What the fuck was that for?" he swears getting to his feet.
"Oh so now you show care but only for yourself!" I continue unable to stop the anger from rolling off my tongue. All the insecurity and worry. Ever since a week ago when we'd both learnt that I was now supporting two.
"Christ, my ex wasn't this clingy" he says and I wince feeling like I'm been slapped myself. To bring up an ex right then left me in a state of shock. Why would he compare me? He just looked at me and I stumbled back on me feeling like my skin was slimy from his touch. Rainer's eyes just keep falling down my cheeks but I can't make a sound so I just let them fall without speaking. "Stop crying, it's pathetic"
"You compared me to another woman" I choked out finally.
"God forbid" he says sarcastically so I turn and head to the door stopping there.
"I thought you loved me"
"I don't feel any love" I whispered feeling like my hearts been kicked repetitively. Like there is nothing left of me but an empty shell.
"See, I don't think it's that you don't, more that you don't want to" he said igniting an anger in me. I turned on him and attacked causing both our bodies to tumble to the floor in a scramble. Tears blur my eyes as we scramble but eventually I lose with Rainer ending on top of me. "That was a bit of a stupid move, wasn't it?"
"I've never been in love" I tell him as I look away at nothing feeling almost like I'm not even in my body. "Colligan was my first and I regret that constantly"
"So you take it out on me?" he questions and sadly I have to nod. I couldn't help it but I did. "Thanks" he says his voice sarcastic.
"I want you" I whisper admitting what I'd been keeping locked up for ages. "But I'm scared if I give in you will leave"
"Why would I leave?"
"I don't know" I whisper really not able to think of more than a reason like I wasn't good enough. His lips came down on mine soft and warm pulling out a soft whimper that was almost a moan as well. The kiss continues and I feel my body ache for more. Always aching for it but I'm always too scared.
Rainer suddenly got up and picked me up also. I let him wanting to know where it was going. Everything became clear once he took me too the bedroom and my cheeks flushed with heat. He put me down on the bed and I peered up at him wondering what next. He began to take his shirt off. "Rainer... Where is this going?" I couldn't help but ask.
"Wherever you want it to"
"I'm asking you. I don't want to make anymore choices"
"I can't choose what you're willing to do, Kat"
"If I wanna stop then I will tell you" I say. While he doesn't look too keen he gets on it anyway his fingers starting to remove my clothes. A gasp leaves my lips when his fingers brush my skin which is quite a bit. Eventually all our clothes are gone and I can't draw my eyes of Rainer.
His lips press down on mine and I know where he's going as his body supports over me. I don't stop him. How could I when I wanted it to? I couldn't say it was great after it concluded though I didn't like it all that much cause of the pain but it wasn't too bad. I guess you had to get use to it.
After I was silent unsure of what to do as he played with my hair so I just let him play with my hair and laid still. "How was it?"
"I feel numb... down there I mean" I say not really giving him an answer to his actual question. He arched his eyebrow at me and I just wrapped my arms round him hugging myself to him. He held me back and I saw his confusion. "Rainer?"
"This is my first time sober" I said to him. "I don't know what I'm really meant to say"
"Whether you enjoyed it or not is a good start" he chuckled.
"I don't know... it hurt" I told him and he frowned making me start to panic. "Is it not meant to?"
"Calm down" he said stroking my cheek. I looked at him still worried. "Chances are we just need to focus more on foreplay next time" he smiles and I turn bright pink. He leans in and kisses me so I kiss back.
There is still a nagging in the back of my mind. Have I done the right thing?