I heard Colligan wake up but I was still too busy throwing up my stomach into the bag. My throat was starting to feel seriously raw and the taste of vomit wasn't helping me stop.
"Too much to drink?" he said like nothing at all had happened. I turned to look at him horrified. My whole body felt ill and my skin felt horribly itchy. It felt like things were crawling over my skin then into me making my heart ache and my stomach churn horrible. "What?" he said.
I still couldn't say anything. What would I say? I didn't know what you did in these situations. It was my first time. Oh god, I'd lost my freaking virginity to Colligan. I suppose there were worse men. It only seemed to click to him now I was naked.
"Why're you naked?" he frowned at me. I so needed him to remember. I couldn't... I couldn't put what happened into words. I felt horrible enough as it is. I wanted to cry. Wanted to scream and wail but I knew that would solve nothing. "Oh"
That simple word brought back all the feelings of disgust and I turned back to the bag to throw up. I heard him get dressed behind me so took a deep breath. "I don't.... I don't want to ever.... ever talk about this" I told him firmly.
"There is nothing to talk about" he said with a shrug.
A horrible shiver ran through me. "Don't.... I don't want anyone to know"
I started getting dressed into the disgusting dress that probably caused all of this with the mixture of alcohol. "Especially Rae" I finally said. She was my main concern. I didn't like Colligan but it was a sure thing she did.
I saw him nod out of the corner of my eyes and left without looking at him properly. I headed up the stairs feeling numb that I didn't even notice Rae till we banged into each other. I looked up and she smiled at me causing waves of guilt to roll through my stomach. I had never been one for reading people but when you saw Rae around Colligan. You didn't have to be good at it.
"Rae.." I barely got out. I didn't realise what facing her would feel like but now I did. It was horrible and I felt horrible. She wasn't even someone I knew well and I felt horrible.
"Have you seen Colligan?" she asked her words slicing into me like a knife.
I hesitated wondering what to say whether to tell her. "I think he fell asleep in one of the cupboards"
"Thanks, I've been trying to find him for hours" she told me. I merely nodded standing aside so she could head down the rest of the stairs. I watched her run off down the stairs and felt even worse. Had I never found Pet I wouldn't be in the situation!
No... I couldn't blame this on her. It was all my fault for drinking so much. For letting Colligan lead me into the cupboard and. I shook my head. I found Pet in bed and slid in next to her watching her peaceful face. "Oh Pet... what have I done?"
Four days later I finally decided to come out of my room. I hadn't felt like I deserved to come out. Whenever I did I hurt someone, messed up or made a ruckus. Before I wouldn't of cared but everything I did effected Pet. So when she had started to come across as mopey watching me all the time I had given in and told her to go volunteer me for a raid.
I headed down that day and almost tripped over at the sight of Rainer going. "Well, well, it emerges" he said but I didn't reply merely reloading my gun. "Expecting trouble?"
"Always" I merely said sliding my gun into it holster.
"Ought to be careful, you'll get paranoid" he chuckled but I again ignored him by kneeling down and checking my boots were tied up. Then I followed our driver which happened to be Grovesnor to the hummer.
I found myself in the back sat with Rainer so focused my eyes out the window like I always seemed to do. Its not that I didn't like cars but I didn't like being in one with so many people. Once we got to where we were going I quickly checked for zombies then slid out of the hummer. "What are we getting?" I asked Rainer and Grovesner as they got out.
"Whatever's about. Natch is all about recycling, eh Grovesnor?" Rainer said laughing which they both seemed to find funny. I was more concerned about safety.
I walked into the shop and again was reckless to other peoples standards. I kicked over a rack then waited as three zombies came out. I fired two shots at each not missing one watching them all slump to the floor
"Y'know, you'd suck at covert missions" Rainer said apparently being the only one that had come in.
"My dad didn't train me to be quiet" I merely said. No, he'd talk me to kick ass and look skilled while doing it. I always wondered if I would have worked in the army cause of that. Well, it didn't matter now.
"Your dad?" Rainer asked as he looked through stuff. My hand went up to the dog tags that never left my neck. Sometimes I forgot they were there except times like this where I thought of my dad. "Was he military or something?"
I nodded and thought back to when my dad was alive. How he'd spoken of great wars. My dad had been old. My mum had been too. Doctors had said that's why she'd died during child birth.
"Guess that explains why you're so cocky" Rainer said as he loaded things up.
I frowned at that but didn't show him. "He also told me never love a man in uniform" I said calmly as I kept searching.
"Why, did he?"
"Guess that puts you out of bounds" I said and found a bunch of stuff collecting it.
"Shame, really" he said making me glance at him. I waited for him to explain why it was a shame? "I reckon you and me could work" he said with a shrug. "I think we got everything"
"Movement to the West, Rainer. Hurry up" Grovesnor yelled making me feel oh so happy I was being included in this little raid.
"I doubt your my type" I said to Rainer. Why I was having this conversation anyway I didn't know.
"What is your type?" he asked as we carried the stuff to the hummer. I don't know why but I smirked a little. I felt like I didn't need to say anymore and just focused on the actual task at hand of loading the hummer. I remained quiet even when we'd finished loading the hummer and got in to drive back. Grovesnor didn't get in though.
"You feel like they're watching us?" he said to no one in particular.
"There is two in that window" I said pointing across the street where there where in fact two zombies pressed up against a window.
"I know. That's my point" he said. I just ignored him then closing my eyes and waiting patiently in the hummer to drive back.
"Grovesnor, stop fucking about and get in the car before I leave you out here" Rainer snapped at his friend.
"I just don't trust 'em, is all" Grovesnor said and got in. I was quiet the drive back and when we did get back I headed upstairs. I needed to get back to Pet who would probably be less mopey now I had gone out.
Which is when I heard someone following me. "You never told me your type" Rainer said.
"Why should I?" I merely questioned back. In fact right now I'd had enough of boys to last a lifetime but I couldn't really say that cause what had happened between me and Colligan was a secret.
"'Cause nothing sucks worse than dying alone"
"We all die alone" I said turning to face him as I stopped at my door.
"Not all of us" he said. I stood there watching him. Why was he so persistent of me? "So, humour me. What's your type?"
I still didn't answer him cause honestly I... I didn't know. I had spent so much time away from people avoiding them that thinking about being with one made my head swirl.
"Kat, I asked you a question"
"I don't know" the words slipped from my lips telling the honest truth how I didn't even know my... type.
"You don't know?" he question. I shook my head at that in reply. I didn't know how I couldn't know I just didn't. "Typical" he chuckled. "I'm guessing you like someone who takes charge"
Strangely that made me flush. I didn't understand why but the idea made my heart skip a beat as well. Rainer smirked at me and again I was lost for words. My head was slowly turning into a maze.
"I'll let you go back to Pet" he said. I nodded not sure of what else to say or do. I looked up and lips met mine. Warm and soft making me want to shiver and squirm. Instead I just froze. He pulled back and I just blinked. My heart was pounding and I couldn't take a steady breath. "Guess, I was right" Rainer said with a smirk.
A smirk that made tingles run down my spine. I turned my head away needing to concentrate which I couldn't do while looking at him. Especially not after that.
"Maybe I'll stop by tonight"
"No" the word falling off my lips sounding firm.
"No?" Rainer questioned. I look at him and found no words so shook my head. "Some other time, then" he said hitting a spot it my stomach which created a fuzzy little feeling. It was weird and odd and... nice. His lips met mine again and I don't know why but I excepted it. I didn't kiss back but it was a reaction. "See you around" he said then left.
My legs felt suddenly weak once he was gone and I headed into the apartment to find Pet. "How did it go?" she asks.
"Fine, maybe you should go and take a look at what we got" I muttered. Pet grinned and raced off while I slumped onto the sofa taking a shaky breath. I brought my fingers up to my lips.
What was I doing? Why... Why had I liked it?