The Symptoms of My Being Lonely

I feel forever alone, basically. And I write stuff about the boys I've known, sometimes about the boy I will know... whether he exists or not.

Future Guy,

I guess I’m not the girl you see and just know. I’m the girl you get to know.

I don’t know if you’re ever going to read this, or even if I’ll ever let you, but I’m writing to you anyway because you’re all I ever think about.

I stay up at night and wonder what you’re going to be like. Maybe I even know you already. If I do, then one of us must be really stupid not acting on what we should really be acting on. That’s not fair, is it? We’re not being stupid. Life just has its way and messes up things to get the important things in order. Maybe we’re not top priority yet. (Seriously, though, if it’s not love then life should be getting world peace in order or fixing global warming or stopping animal cruelty and bullying and discrimination or some really important shiz.)

Or, you know, maybe we’re just not ready yet.

I think I would freak out if it turns out that the minute I stop wanting you would be the moment I’d actually find you. Maybe that’s possible for some girls, but for me it’s not. I won’t ever stop wanting to find you already, wanting to meet you, wanting to see you smile, wanting you. So, if that’s why I’m not ready yet, I should just stop being human this instant.

I’m the girl you get to know.

That’s true. You’re not going to meet me and look into my eyes and say, ‘damn, we’re perfect for each other’ or something like that. I’m not trying to sell myself short. I’m just not myself around people I’m not comfortable with. I’m not as outgoing as I sometimes fool myself to be. I have layers and layers of protection when I’m with strangers. I don’t want to be rejected or make mistakes or get hurt. That’s the only reason. But I get past that. And those layers come off.

And I become me.

I laugh a lot. I love food. I read a lot of books and I will never stop reading Harry Potter. I listen to rock bands. I have no aversion whatsoever to dancing. I love zombie movies and tragedies just as much as I love romantic comedies. I cannot live without pizza, cheesecake, and caramel sundaes. I love dogs. I love being around children. I am passionate about writing. I want to make stories, hear stories, and pass stories on. I’m the girl who wants to be part of the world. I’m the girl who wants to stay home on Sundays.

I am emotional. I am affectionate. I am loyal. I am weird. I can be a handful. I can be sweet. I get awkward. I get sarcastic. I am funny. I am awesome. I am great, only if you give me the chance to show you.

My life can get lonely.
But I can always wait for you.
When we meet, I just hope 'we' were always worth the wait.

All my love,
Me

The End

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