Once upon a time, I used to believe that there was a point to it all. A reason to crawl out of bed in the morning, to greet the dawn as it pushed back the last traces of darkness. And that was the way of light, wasnt it? Always pushing, pushing, but it was never enough. The darkness would never fade.
I slid into the desk, the back corner desk. Always in the back, in the dark (it would never fade). Sometimes it was hard to breathe. Like my lungs were filling up with a substance too thick, filling and filling till they would explode. This was one of those times.
I was never the new kid. At seventeen, I'd done everything I could not to stand out. Now here I was in a place I didnt belong, a town of faces I didnt recognize. And I was standing out. It was the rings around my eyes and the crossed purple laces of my Converse lowtops. It was the way my skirt exposed a little bit more than a decent amount of skin.
Call it a coping method (are you really coping, Vi?)
I watched as others began shuffling into the room. Some held their heads high, golden girls with perfect smiles. Oh, how I hated them (how you long to be them). Some sort of sulked, like they too were wishing they could disappear into the plain white walls. Because disappearing would be so much easier than staying here. It was always safer to run.
At last there was nowhere to go but next to me. I dared to glance over as a boy with piercing blue eyes dropped into the seat. Something about him set me on edge. Something struck me deep within. No words were spoken. I thought it was better like that.
Eventually the teacher came in, but I was barely paying attention. My green eyes were lost out the window, on the sky as it gave way to buildings and the plague that was humanity. Wondering how I was going to get my fix. Wondering how I was going to erase the past (cant do that, now can you? Move on, move on).
One day the pain was going to become too much. One day it was going to swell up like a great tidal wave, and then I would be lost. Then I would drown.