Sorry. Again.

We lay in silence for a long time, me sniffling every so often. I still couldn't get the tears to stop, and they were soaking into Alex's hoodie as I pressed my face against him. 

"You do know where it is, don't you?" My whisper broke the silence, and looked up at him to try and judge his reaction. There was a slight defensive narrowing of his eyes, but other than that... nothing.

"I flicked it out of your hand." He reminded me. "It could have gone anywhere." Yeah, it could've. But Alex knew where. 

"I don't believe you." I said stubbornly.

"You can believe what you like."

I sat up, moving away from him. Or as far away as possible on the single bed, anyway. I pushed my hand through my hair and sighed, looking down at him. "I'll get a new one."

"Why? You don't need it." Maybe I don't, but I have the urge to have it. Even if I don't use it, just having it in my pocket is a comfort, knowing I could take it out at any time.

"But I want it." I slid off the bed, leaving him there, and started looking again. I will find it.

He sighed and stood up. "Fine, okay. You have fun looking for it," The way he said that made me suspicious, like he knew I would never be able to find it for some reason. "I'm gonna go get something to eat." I glanced up for a moment to see his bright red eyes looking at me, but then he was gone.

Damn. Now I'm hungry...

I wonder if a random cleaner would go amiss? I wasn't in the mood to go out and attack someone, but if anyone knocks on the door then they're done for. I went back to looking for my blade, or at least something I could use as an alternative.

Then my eyes fell on a cardboard notice sitting on the desk in the corner, and I picked it up. Apparently, this hotel had a free care package, which just so happened to include a disposable razor. Why did I not know this before?!

God, I'm getting obsessive, I thought to myself as, hands trembling, I fished it out of the little toiletry bag. Then I rushed into the bathroom and locked the door firmly behind me.

It was like a sigh of relief.

 

Alex came back a little while later, and the slam of the door into our room awoke me from a sort of trance. I'd been sitting on the floor, eyes closed, feeling the blood dry on my skin. It tingled.

I heard a light knock on the door, and I stood up quickly, trying to think of something to say.

"What?" I asked hesitantly.

"You alright in there?"

"Um... yeah. I'm fine." I fail at keeping it cool, don't I? I should probably just pretend I was on the toilet or something. But he'd never fall for that. "Go away."

"Did you find it?" Alex asked, and I wondered whether or not to tell the truth.

"Find what?" Edging round the question gives me more time to think, okay? Don't judge.

"Your razor." He explained.

I figured a half-truth would be better than an outright lie. It wouldn't hurt my conscience as much. "Oh. Um... no. Not my razor." I tried not to put too much emphasis on 'my'.

The door handle rattled, and I picked up the razor from the floor. "Gabby..." He said warningly from the other side. I twisted the tap on, and hurriedly washed my arms under the foamy jet of water, then rinsed the red away from the sink.

I took a breath, unlocked the door, and said, "What?"

"You found another bloody razor, didn't you?" He demanded irritably. I didn't answer, just walked past him and to my bag. The razor was hidden in my sleeve, and I turned my back to Alex as I tried to slip it into my bag unnoticed.

Yeah, I know it's a false hope.

"Gabby!" He suddenly grabbed my wrist, and jerked away involuntarily.

"Get off me!" I cried, and he let go immediately. I watched in horror as his face fell, and I felt suddenly guilty. He didn't deserve this; he was only trying to help. But I'm not sure that I want help. "Sorry." I murmured.

"No... it's fine." He sighed.

What? How can it possibly be fine? I... I went directly against him. I do need help. I frowned.

"No it's not." I said, wrapping my arms around him.

He hugged me back half-heartedly, "It's your choice. I should know by now it's impossible to persuade you to do something you don't want to do..." Not impossible. Never impossible.

"Sorry." I muttered again. The word was starting to lose it's meaning. He didn't say anything, and it felt like a little part of me died inside. I let my arms drop, and turned back to my bag, pulling the razor back out.

"Here, you take it." I said to Alex, handing it to him. "Get rid of it." He took it from me dubiously, then quickly tossed it out of the open window before I could change my mind. "Thanks." I felt the smile distort on my face. 

"Well done." Alex smiled and kissed me softly on the lips. I hugged him tightly again, leaning against his chest.

"I love you."

The End

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