Alex and I were walking back in the general direction of the pub again, when I tugged on his arm slightly.
"I don't want to go back yet..." I told him, biting my lip with a frown. I didn't want to face the others and have to pretend that everything was fine and dandy again. I doubt I could even force a smile, let alone keep it in place on my face and looking genuine.
Though I knew I was worrying for no reason. Everyone else was so caught up in their own little world that they wouldn't notice a misplaced grin.
That didn't stop me from wanting to go somewhere else first, though.
"What's up?" Alex asked, stopping.
"I don't know. I just don't..." I felt the tears starting to spill over again, and I wiped my eyes on the sleeve of my borrowed hoodie, try to swallow back the lump in my throat without much success. Alex wrapped his arms around me, and I hugged him back, burying my face in his shoulder. "Can we go somewhere else first?"
"Sure. Where d'ya wanna go instead?"
Pulling away from his hug slightly, I looked at his face for the first time since... y'know... and with a half-smile said, "I'm not sure. Starbucks?"
I lay with my head on the table, eyes closed and listening to the chatter of customers around us. If I wanted to, I could concentrate and listen in on any conversation going on, but I settled with just the babble of voices, trying to use the noise to block out my own thoughts.
Alex seemed content to just play with my hair, twining it around his fingers in silence.
"Why do I feel so guilty now?" I whispered, not moving my head or opening my eyes. "I've killed people before and never felt like this."
"I- I don't know." He mumbled. "Sorry."
I lifted my head to look at him. "What're you sorry for?"
"Why d'you think?" Alex sighed. "It's my fault you've had to kill anyone at all."
Shaking my head, I said, "What the hell, Alex? You know I made you do it."
He smiled a little. "I shoulda been more stubborn."
Frowning, I moved to climb onto his lap, pulling his arms around me and resting my head on his shoulder. "But then everything would be different..." Alex held me close, hugging me.
"Yeah, it would." He leant his head on mine, and we sat in silence for a while. Then I bit my lip and frowned.
"Would you rather it was different?" My voice was little more than a whisper.
"I'm not one to sit around wishing things had worked out different very often. But I do wish you didn't have to depend on blood same as me." I closed my eyes for a moment, glad that when we were sitting like this he couldn't see my face.
I guess that means yes, then. But if things hadn't turned out the way they have, then Alex and I wouldn't be together. I didn't know what to think.
So I forced a small smile onto my lips and turned around so I could see his face. "I love you." I said with a kiss.