The Grilled Cheese Tragedy

Open to a dark employee's lounge. In the middle of the room stands a small circular table with three hard plastic chairs circled around it. Against the right wall is a counter space with overhead and lower cupboards, a sink, and some drawers. To the right of the counter is a trash can and to the left is a plain white fridge that has seen better days. There is a digital clock on the counter that flashes the numbers 1:07 in bright red light breaking the darkness. (Both Janitor and Security Guard are in uniform; Janitor is thin and wears glasses, Security Guard is more heavyset)

Enter Janitor

Janitor: [opens the fridge & pulls a grilled cheese sandwich from the fridge]

Janitor: [pulls away the cellophane throwing a small yellow sticky note from the packaging                 to the floor]

Janitor: [begins eating sandwich hungrily]

Enter Security Guard

Security guard: [turns on light]

Janitor: [squints dramatically]

Security guard: [rummages in fridge, finding nothing]

Security guard: [stands and scratches his head, noticing the Janitor sitting at the table]

Security Guard: "Is that my sandwich?"

Janitor: "It is most certainly A sandwich."

Security Guard: [picks up sticky note from the floor, waves it in front of Janitor's face]

Security Guard: "It IS my sandwich!"

Janitor: "Shocker." [takes another bite]

Security Guard: "Give it back."

Janitor: "No." [takes another bite]

Security Guard: "Why?"

Janitor: [speaking through a mouthful of food] "I'm hungry."

Security Guard: [exasperated] "So am I."

Janitor: "That's not my problem."

Security Guard: "Well that's not very nice."

Janitor: [snickers] "You're right." [takes another bite]

Security Guard: [pulls Taser from hip holster pointing it at Janitor]

Security Guard: "Put down the sandwich or, I swear to God, I will shoot you in the                                                kneecap."

Janitor: [laughs] "You couldn't shoot me if you wanted to."

Security Guard: "Why's that?"

Janitor: "That little red light by your index finger means the safety is on."

Security Guard: "Oh." [flips switch, turning the light off] "Now I'm going to shoot you."

Janitor: "Right. I'm terrified." [rolls eyes taking another bite of the sandwich]

Security Guard: "Where's your food anyway?"

Janitor: "I'm out of food. Hate to break it to you, but we're in a recession."

Security Guard: "What's that supposed to mean?"

Janitor: "I'd explain it to you, but I'm all out of puppets and crayons."

Security Guard: "You're not a very nice person."

Janitor: "You're just realizing this now?"

Security Guard: "My mom always said that if someone was being mean to me I should bake                                them a cake to make them feel accepted."

Janitor: "Please don't."

Security Guard: "I'd make her famous red velvet cake with cream cheese frosting."

Janitor: "I don't want-"

Security Guard: "I'd put sprinkles on top and even buy some of that really great ice cream                                 from the-"

Janitor: "HEY!"

Security Guard: [stops talking and looks at Janitor]

Janitor: "I don’t want your moronic pity cake!"

Security Guard: [mumbling to himself very quietly, confused expression on his face]                                            "Moronic?" "mo-ron-ic..." "hmm."

Janitor: [heavy sigh] "It's a nice gesture, but, umm... I'm allergic to cream cheese."

Security Guard: [excitedly] "Then I'll make it with chocolate frosting!"

Janitor: "Chocolate frosting on a red velvet cake? I think I'll pass."

Security Guard: "It doesn't have to be chocolate."

Janitor: "I don't want a cake!"

Security Guard: "Then how am I supposed to get you to like me?"

Janitor: [exasperated sigh] "Why don't you put down the Taser and walk out the door so I                   can eat my sandwich in peace."

Security Guard: "But... That's my sandwich."

Janitor: "I know."

Security Guard: "Then give it back."

Janitor: "Not happening." [takes another bite]

Security Guard: [points Taser at Janitor] "I'll shoot you."

Janitor: "No you won't."

Security Guard: "I'll do it!"

Janitor: "Unlikely."

Security Guard: "Put it down."

Janitor: "No."

Security Guard: "Fine. I guess you leave me no choice."

Janitor: [rolls eyes and lifts sandwich up to his mouth for another bite]

Security Guard: [pulls the trigger, hitting Janitor in the thigh]

Janitor: [sharp screech then falls to the floor convulsing dropping the sandwich on the                         table]

Security Guard: [winces]

Security Guard: [Tip toes over to table, stepping over Janitor, and grabs sandwich, taking a                               bite]

Security Guard: [Grimaces in disgust at the taste walking over to the trashcan and                                               pointedly throws away sandwich]

Security Guard: [walks out the door, turning off the light on his way out]

The End.

The End

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