I did what Zach asked me to, helping him out in this game with the guns but I found it distressing when the 'rifle' released something which caused Pain. As much as Pain had made me suffer, I didn't want to take my revenge on the world and cause Pain to other people. I would not be entitled to feel sad about Pain if I made it the dictator, however briefly, of someone else's life, and that would almost be like inviting it back into my own.
So, when we were shown to the place where we were going to sleep, the first thing I said to Zach was "I don't want to use the tools of Pain, anymore."
Zach looked slightly confused for a minute but then he looked as if he understood what I was saying. He nodded. "That's okay."
I hugged him tightly and whispered "Why do people do that for fun?"
He put his arms tightly around me. "Because some people enjoy watching others feel pain, they enjoy the power they feel it gives them."
So Pain controlled people in a different way as well. What a horrible thought.
When I fell asleep, I was tortured by the memories of all the people I had used the tool of Pain on. It seemed that even though I had vowed never to use a rifle again, the damage was done. The thoughts intermingled with memories of my dad throwing glass bottles at me, making me feel horrible inside and like a Bad Person. I woke up, sobbing, frightened by the thought of what a Good Person would say to me if they knew what things I had been up to as well as reliving the pain and feeling the effects of that horrific unmentionable thing.
Zach woke up, looking anxious. "Are you okay?" he asked.
"No," I answered, and flung myself into his arms. There I wept until my tears ran dry. I fell asleep in his wonderful embrace and thankfully dreamt about his kiss this time, although the images of the first dream still haunted me when I woke up and was given a new routine to follow.