The bandages around my arms itched like hell as I sat in the back of yet another private Ambulance. My Mum had just snapped this time, but then I guess anyone would after finding your only daughter sat on the bathroom floor with a tub of prescription pills in her hand, especially after having to watch her grow up with an extensive and gradually growing array of fresh and old scars up and down her arms and legs. So, after taking me to yet another specialist psychiatrist they decided to stick a label on me and ship me off to the funny farm.
Major Depressive Disorder, Recurrent. The latest name for whatever the hell is wrong with me spun round my head. Recurrent, well they got that right. I’d been cutting ever since I could remember. Ever since the incident.
Finally we pulled up in front of a big, old school like, building which would be my new home for the next few years. I got out of the ambulance, pulling my bag onto my back. I didn’t bother bringing much I didn’t want much really. I didn’t want anything to remind me of home and I’d mostly be wearing the plain uniform of the institute.
As I made my way up the path to the front of the building I was greeted by two wardens in the white uniform of the mental home staff, both men, one was tall but well built with longish brown hair. He looked pretty friendly and seemed happy, the other however was fat, bald and looked seriously bored. “Hello Sophia,” The bored looking one greeted me with the fake enthusiasm of someone who really, really hated their job and didn’t really care about the people he was dealing with. I just kept quiet, same as I had been doing since the breakdown.
“we’re going to take you to meet one of the people who will be working closely with you during your stay here,” He sounded nice enough, but I could tell that it was just the same thing he would have said to everyone that came here. It pretty much just sounded rehearsed.
The inside of the building was much the same as the outside, the walls were a bleak grey colour and the floor was covered in a bland cream colour that had been worn and scuffed by the amount of people traipsing across it. It had hardly any pictures and no plants. I instantly felt worse just stepping across the threshold. They took me down yet another bland hallway towards an office, stopping only to knock on the door. “Come in,” a shrill woman’s voice came from the other side. The tall man opened the door and motioned for me to go in. “Ah, Sophia I presume. Take a seat,” She motioned for me to sit in the little chair in front of her desk. As I stepped forward I heard the door shut behind me and the wardens leave. I glanced behind me before sitting down and facing the woman. Her voice certainly fit the way she looked, she was very tall and very skinny with a bony face and tiny eyes behind her angular glasses. I glanced down at her name board, Doctor Rodriguez. “now, you understand why you’re here,” she looked down at the file in front of her. It had the head shot of me they’d taken at my counselling session and some notes which I couldn’t read. “now it says here that you have Major Depressive Disorder with suicidal tendencies, which, judging by your record, I’m inclined to agree with.” She looked up at me as if expecting me to say something, I stayed silent. “how do you feel Sophia?” she prompted.
I shrugged, what did It matter? I was here, It wasn’t like I had any choice.
“ Well what do you hope to gain from being here?”
I shrugged again. I could see she was getting slightly frustrated with me and my silence as she glanced back down at the paper work. “Ok well how about we get you settled in and try again tomorrow?” She forced a smile and stood up. I remained silent and stood, waiting for her to direct me to, hopefully, my room.
We walked down a maze of corridors with rooms, each with their own little number on the door. Again the corridors were bland, only now some of the doors had posters and names to make them more personalised and colourful. I looked at each as I walked down until we stopped outside a blank door. “This will be your room. There aren’t as many girls here so you’ll be able to have a room to yourself,” she smiled. That had to be the best news I’d heard all day, “you’ll get a chance to make a sign with you name in the rec. room later, for now just let yourself get settled and unpack,” She opened the door to a smallish room with two beds, both empty. There were two desks and two wardrobes on either side, making it look like someone had just put a mirror down the middle of the room. The walls were bare and my mind raced at the chance to personalise it. The one and only highlight of the day. “I’ll leave you to it then,” Doctor Rodriguez said from the doorway as I wandered inside my room. She hesitated for a little while, as if waiting for me to say something, but she left once she realised that I wouldn’t.
I sat down as the door closed and dropped my head into my hands, my mind flashing back to when my Mum dragged me off to the Doctors and watched me be taken away in the back of a private ambulance.