Wow, I haven't updated in... forever. Okay, a couple of months, but that's not the point. A lot of things have changed since I last updated. When I last updated, I was with Gemme, things were working out, Benny moved in and life was looking good for once. I wasn't even getting high as often anymore.
But then Gemme screwed Benny behind my back and things began to fall apart again. My temper, which had calmed down loads, began snapping at the slightest thing again and in the end we both hated each other's guts and to be honest, it was a relief as I got in the cab and left her behind.
Since then, I've finally got round to forming a band with Rayn (lead guitar) and a couple of other guys, Phil (bass) and Damien (drums) - I sing and play rhythm guitar. We're called Killing the Phoenix. Oh, and I have a new girlfriend. And right now, we're gigging in New York and working on an EP, splitting our time between the studio and the stage. Our internet fan base is immense.
Oh yeah, there's this other new band around at the moment... The Rockettes, I think they're called. I recognise the singer from somewhere, but I can't think where exactly. I wouldn't mind having a battle of the bands with those guys some time though. Could be fun.
"C'mon, babe," Kat tugs on my arm smiling up at me. I'm standing in the wing of the stage, staring out at the chanting crowd of people sprawled out in front of it.
I'm still numb, I guess, empty and often blank and emotionless. Drugs help me feel, a bit, but the best drug of all is the adrenaline rush I get going up on stage to play to fans of my music. The band is awesome. The support we're getting is just incredible. But hey, I could go on forever about it.
The summer heat is unbelievable, right now, and I'm already sweating through my shirt. I've been working out a lot, though, and my body is back to how it used to be. I'm sure they won't mind me taking my top off after a couple of songs.
"Yeah, I'm coming," I tear myself away from staring out at all the people that are waiting impatiently for us to all come out and start playing. I love it. The self hate is slowly fading. Being in a band, being loved by so many people for what I do has given me a reason to stop hating myself.
I pick up my new guitar and plug in the radio pickup, giving Kat a quick kiss as Damien and Phil walk out. Rayn grins at me as the audience scream impatiently. The staggered entrance teases them. It's more fun. He gives me a mock salute as I pull away from Kat and runs out onto the stage.
"Wish me luck," I wink and she laughs. I don't need luck, and she knows it.
"Good luck, babe." I hear her call after me as I leap up onto the lighting rig. Hey, I like to surprise. And I'll never break it, ‘cause I can make myself float.
Someone sees me crawling along the rig and points, screaming my name. Well, they scream "Cancer", they don't know my real name.
I hang off it upside down and start playing the intro to the first song on the set list, grinning out at the audience. The world spins as I unhook myself and flip, landing in a crouch on the edge of the stage. Rayn takes over the lead guitar as I reach out a hand to the fans closest to the edge, before standing back up and running over to the mic.
We play through the first song and get people going. The atmosphere builds up, and when I look down, I don't see one unhappy face in the room. Someone's already started a circle pit and everyone else is jumping.
"We love you, New York!" I yell over the last chords ringing out. They yell back at me and I laugh, "I can't hear you!" they shout louder and I grin at Rayn. "I can't hear anything, can you?" I ask him and he goes over to the second mic, shaking his head.
"Guys, c'mon!" he smiles, encouraging them. They scream again, and we grin at the deafening noise.
As Rayn talks to them, I put my guitar down and take my shirt off. It's boiling in here now. Balling it up, I throw it over at a group of girls and one of them screams, catching it. As it disappears out of sight, I wave at them, smiling, before picking my guitar back up.
"Alright," I say, going back to my mic, "for this next song, I'm expecting that circle pit to get even bigger."
After the show, I'm knackered, sweaty and totally pumped. The adrenaline left in my veins as I walk off has me bouncing around backstage. I leap at Kat and Rayn and the other guys bundle us, piling on top of us. I push them all off, kiss Kat and light a cigarette.
"Where'd the coke go?" Rayn asks a couple of moments later and I shrug.
"I dunno, you're the one that was looking after it." I remind him and he scowls, trying to remember where he put it. Suddenly, his face lights up as he remembers and he bounds off to get it. A moment later, he's holding a plastic bag, a mirror and a razor blade. He draws out a few lines on the mirror and inhales one of them before passing it around. Me and Kat have ours and I don't look at who I'm passing the mirror to as I smirk at her, pulling her down on top of me. She giggles and starts making out with me, her hand on my crotch. I vaguely hear someone yelling "get a room!" at us, but the coke has made us both too horny to care. My hands snake around her ass, running down her thighs and tugging at her leggings.
Kat giggles again and breaks the kiss, pulling my hands back up into the small of her back, whispering in my ear. Only I don't hear what she says because as I open my eyes, I look around at my friends and then look up at the door.
And my high comes to an instant end as I see who's standing in the door to the dressing room.