Cancer: I don't like change

Did I just say that? Did I? Really? I. Don't. Know. Why.

My mouth sometimes has a habit of doing its own thing, and I wonder if this time it was telling the truth. Y'see usually when I say things without meaning to, I'm lying. It's a bad habit, worse than smoking, and I've been doing it longer.

Except I don't think I was lying. I think... I think I meant it. And I meant it when I said sorry.

I don't want to be alone any more. I've spent so long alone. Too long. I realise that Gemme is still hugging me, and that weird feeling pulses through me again. Not the one where the Gemini twins are probing my mind, but the weird feeling when I'm hugged. I've not been hugged in seven years.

My arms are around her still, too, but they're just around her, that's all it is. I think it's gentle. Is it gentle, Gemme? I would tighten my grip and make it a proper hug, not a loose one that I'm unsure about, but all I know is violence, really. I don't want to hurt her. So I let go. She pulls back a moment after my hands drop back to my sides and she smiles at me.

Patience. I wonder how much of it Gemme has. This is going to take a long time, isn't it?

"Sorry," I mumble.

"What for?" she asks.

"For not having a clue about any of this," I laugh awkwardly, and I can't meet her gaze. I curse inwardly and I kinda wish that the chair would eat me, save me from this hideously embarrassing situation. I feel the urge to do something, or get away; to stop making such a mess of everything, basically. She just laughs. I glance up at her with my eyes narrowed, wondering if she's laughing at me.

"The only reason I know so much is through my zodiac... you're my first time too." She shrugs. "Before I learnt of my powers I was just as bad as you, trust me; my patience is also infinite so don't worry about it, hmm?" I rest my head back against the back of the chair, and look up at her, meeting her eyes now.

"I don't like change," I tell her, "I don't handle it well." There's a pause. "I handle it really badly... I'm worried I'll hurt you..." I half whisper.

"I..." She pauses for a second, meeting my gaze. "I don't think you will, but I will try my best to make the change slow; adapt it for you. It will be okay." She makes her voice all calm and steady and I guess it's supposed to be reassuring, but I don't feel too reassured.

"I've already hurt you," I point out.

"And I got over it didn't I?" I nod. She did get over it quickly, but I still don't understand how she did that. I frown, thinking about it.

"How do you do that? Forgive so easily?"

"Because I learnt that being pessimistic never works. Life is too short to hold a grudge; in our case we would have to put up with each other forever." I consider this for a moment.

"You don't have to put up with anyone you don't want to. Usually it's not so hard to run away. I mean, Thorn came to the station when I was waiting, before you did. He didn't try to stop me, he just told me..." I pause, trying to remember his words. "Oh yeah. He said ‘I just want to say Luca you may have done bad things but you're more than you seem.' But I don't understand what he meant by that, either. Any ideas?"

"I know exactly what he means." Great. Am I the only one that hasn't got a friggin' clue what he's on about?

"Well, care to share?" I ask.

"You..." She begins to blush, but shakes it off. "You have done bad things in the past, drugs and what not. But you are willing to change; you have shown me certainly a different side to you." I drum my fingers on my leg.

"I don't like change," I repeat absently. "I don't want to be alone anymore, but I don't know if I'll change that much... Can't change a leopard's spots, as they say."

"Well you are willing to try, as am I." She kisses my cheek warmly, but it takes a lot of effort to keep still as she does. "We will be fine. I'll be fine. You won't hurt me."

"Huh. I will warn you now, then. I have next to no patience."

The End

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