So I end up in the basement with Scorpio boy Adrian. I can't help but call him a freak. He looks it. Also, I'm in a pretty foul mood. You can't expect me to be nice when I'm like this. I tried to talk. I even got as far as opening my mouth, but all I could do, in the end was shake my head and walk away. And I feel so bad about it. Angry at myself. Angry at her. Angry at Aaron. I know Aaron only got involved just the once, but when I defended her because he upset her, she probably thought I must have felt something for her.
But a glimmer of friendship is all that I can feel. It's all I can allow myself to feel. Love... Ike asked me what I know about love. I told him I don't know a thing. Because I don't. I know about the love between a mother and her son, but that faded a long time ago, flooded out by the drugs and everything that's happened since the ‘car crash'.
Adrian is talking to me, as we sit in the basement. He's the first to show absolutely no irritation at my smoking. Even Gemme was a little bit annoyed, though I guess she hid it.
"Do you know what I mean, do you know how I feel, every day terrified about the day that lies ahead?" he asks. I shrug a little.
"It's not fear that I feel. You're scared you'll hurt someone with that poison thing you got going on there, but as long as I keep my temper I'm okay. I don't often lose my temper the way I have the last couple of days." I sigh. The temptation hidden in the bottom of my bag is getting harder to resist the longer I leave it. The packaged needle in my pocket floats out, hovering before me. I snatch it out of the air and scowl at it. I scorch the plastic packet with my cigarette, singing little dark circles in it. I guess Adrian is thinking about what I told him, but before he can say any more, I decide I might as well carry on.
"But I guess I do fear feeling anything towards anything. I've not felt kindness for so long. I don't know how to react to it. So I end up hurting people - people like Gemme, who don't deserve it. I know comparing myself to a cancer is kinda sick... but it's true. I just screw things up and destroy whatever life I get involved in." I pause. "Screw it," I mutter as the needle shakes in the packet.
I pull out a little bag of beige powder and the spoon. "Got any water?" I ask, but I don't wait for an answer, a bottle of... something - it's too dark in here to really tell - flies towards me. I catch it and take a little of it to mix with the powder. I leave three more of the little bags on the floor between me and Adrian. Weed, coke and heroin. I know I shouldn't but really, the scorpion kid looks like he needs it.
"Call it a free trial." I say, as the spoon filled with the mixture lifts into the air on its own, my lighter sparking beneath it to heat the liquid up and mix it into the powder. I grab my belt from my bag and tighten it around my arm until the vein in the crook of my arm bulges and sticks out. "Just don't overdose on me, 'kay? 'Cause I won't be able to help you."
I fill the needle with the mixture and sink it into my arm, delving into oblivion, vaguely hearing the spoon and the lighter clatter to the floor as the dark basement becomes an even darker nothingness.