I couldn't believe I left her there. After my mind finally cleared up the next day I felt like an utter jerk. So what if I couldnt move on? I shouldn't of left her standing there. I should of gone and explained or of answered the door when she knock. When she knocked eat bang of her fist on my door felt like another splinter in my heart.
She had left me feeling so cold once she eventually left. After that I had grabbed the heavy sleeping pills I hadn't used in weeks and fell into a deep and heavy sleep.
The next day I sat slumped against the glass door on the balcony letting the tears stream my face. I gazed down at the pool where I saw Natalie sat at the bar and even though she glanced up at my balcony she couldn't see me. I was out of her sight if not her mine yet she was still in both of mine.
It hurt. I couldn't go through with all this. What if I messed up? When Natalie turned away I took the moment to slip back into my room where I took out another pill from my bag. One for depression the doctor had given me yet I have only taken very few times. Only when I had these sort of episodes. Times when I just couldn't take the pain... the grief.... the guilt. For when I wanted to put a blade to my wrist and not only slice but hack at it like some maniac.
Tear fell down my cheeks as I got myself a glass of water before popping out to pills then swallowing then down. The fell of the cold water down my throat and the vague taste of the pills in my mouth was weird to me and just made me angry.
I shouldn't be so weak. For Stacey I should work through this.... but that would be leaving her behind.... Can I.... Can I do that?