"Ash," I started, putting together the words that slowly formed in my mind. They didn't make sense to me and I would've preferred the original speech I'd had on my mind but it had been wiped away with fear and anxiety of what would come to be in this moment. "I need you to trust me in what I say right now. And I know it might hurt hearing it but please, just believe me."
I paused, looking up into his eyes to see if he had anything to say before I began, but silence was all I got from him and so taking this as a signal, I began my long apology.
"I realise that you've been through a lot too and we can both relate to the pain we've shared in some way, though it's from completely different experiences. And I know that you're looking for someone to help you through this, and you found me but-"
"I don't need comfort," he interrupted, his tone sharp as it cut through the air. He'd let go of whatever he'd been hiding back, staring at me with a mixture of anger and hurt in his eyes. "I don't need anyone to help me. I just thought with you, I'd..."
"You'd what?" I asked softly, moving a little closer to him. His eyes locked with mine, sincerity shining in them as he said, "I thought we could work things out for both of us." But then he took a step back, creating more distance between us. "But it would be impossible helping you. You're afraid of me. I can't even touch you without seeing the fear in your eyes. And I know it's not your fault, I can't blame you. But it hurts me so much, especially when there are times that I so desparately need your comfort."
He'd denied what he'd said before, and he realised it, his eyes flickering with recognition. I tried to come closer to him but he only made sure to keep the space between us of an equal length as before.
"Before you help me, you have to help yourself. And I've realised I can't do that for you."
"And that's exactly why I need you to believe in me. I'm sure I can get out of this at one point." It wasn't lie but it wasn't the truth either. Ash didn't see this, with the words coming so fast out of my mouth, he barely had the time to see past anything at all. "I like you a lot Ash! Maybe you don't know how big of a deal it is for me to have told you anything about my past but it is! You're the first guy I've been able to approach and be completely honest with since Adam! So just don't stop this from happening!"
He looked at me, curiosity spreading across his face. "Stop what?"
I didn't answer that question, letting the quiet of the room soothe me. I'd said enough from my side. And now, I just needed to hear more of his.