She pushed me away. God, why? She knew everything about me and I knew everything about her. She still pushed me away. She was still scared of me. It shattered me into and when I walked out of her room I felt so numb and cold.
I sit silently in my room feel guilt, horror and pain. The barriers I had built had crumbled down. I had let them just so I could tell Natalie. Just so I was able to remember clearly what happened and tell her honestly. She'd pushed me away, the thought kept pounding through my mind. It kept the skin of my lips where they'd touched hers numb and cold.
It made my heart feel numb. Then there was a loud rap. For a moment I ignored it but I forced myself to my feet. I walked to the door not carring whoever it was not even wanting Natalie. So when I found her standing there I didnt react. Couldnt react. How was I suppose to react?
She looked up at my face then squeezed her eyes shut. "Can I come in?" she whisper timidly. I step aside not even registering the fact she was in my room. I could kiss her in here and she couldnt stop me from doing anything.
I wasnt like that though. I didnt want to hurt her. That was the last thing on my mind. "Water?" I ask going to the mini fridge and pulling out a bottle. I look into her eyes and I know they hold no display of any affection just hurt. I watch her wince before slowly gripping the bottle her fingers lightly touching mine for a moment but I quickly let go. I looked away shoving my hands in my pockets leaning against the desk the mini fridge was under.
"Thank you" Natalie whispers before taking a sip. I couldnt help but watch as her neck streched seeing her soft skin stretch. How she doesnt notice the way she arches her back as she lifts her head to drink. I look away ashamed. She's not mine to look at.
"No problem" I whisper softly. "Did you... Did you want something?" I have to take a breath to stop my voice from breaking and I see her notice. She looks confused herself. "If you're hear about earlier.... its fine really"
I know I'm lying and I know she can tell I'm lying. I cant force my heart much further though. Its too damaged to put into any sort of situation that could risk more hurt. "Ash..." Natalie begins.