I felt deep. Unable to bear the weight that was heavy on my shoulders. I was, it seemed, the only one hiding something but it would take more than pushing her away for me to open up. The exact opposite actually, it would take a hell lot of trust and love.
I keep my hands shoved in my pockets as we walked through the older streets of Madrid. Then I take Natalie's hand she jumps at the sudden contact but doesnt pull away. I dont know how it feels to her but for me the contact is soothing and sends a tingling sensation up my arms. I hold back a shiver but look at Natalie with open honest eyes.
I may be holding something back but the way I feel... I am not lying about. I will wait.. for a reasonable amount of time of course. I'm not one to wait around just to get my heart broken. I'd done that before back in high school. "What are you thinking about?" Natalie asks softly.
"Nothing really interesting" I say as we reach the tour bus.
"Tell me" she whispered back taking a step closer making the distance between us more intimate especially with my hand clutching her. Her grip tightens on mine and I shrug.
"Just things" I say and she steps back looking a bit regected in a way. My face remains calm and the guilt just passes straight through me leaving a dull ache behind. I dont feel much anymore.
"Everybody on the bus" the spanish guide calls her accent thick in her voice. I let go of Natalie's hand letting her get on first. When she's out of sight the guide winks at me and passes a finger along my shoulder. "If you ever need any help... or other things. Dont hesistate to find me. Room 3"
I move quickly onto the bus my heart racing and I see Natalie's confused face. I sit down next to her glad she didnt see or hear any of what that women said. I mean what the hell? I've barely just got through to Natalie and I've got a someone else hitting on me.
I must admit the spanish women is quick hot and she has this odd look about her that makes her pretty. Wait, what the hell am I thinking? I look at Natalie who smiles her eyes still slightly confused. I smile back which makes her relax. I mean look at this girl sat next to me. Every inch of her just oozes honesty and beauty. Inside and out.
The rest of the tourist get on and I avoid the gaze of the guide as she gets on. She speaks to the bus driver in spanish and then we're off. Lets just say I now get goosebumps when the women looks at me as well as another feeling that is completely unwanted.
I'd say I'm only human but the excuse has long since not applied to me at all. Not since I let down Stacey.