An eighth of me...

I went downstairs a little while ago, all intentions being to get some breakfast... and talk to my mum. I wanted to talk to her about the fact that me and Tom are no longer friends. I wanted to talk to her about the fact that I'm pretty much having a complete break-down in communication with my friends and I miss them. About the fact that I'm friends with Krystal again, and that Rhys and I have been dating for four months now. I got downstairs and she simply says "I read the letter." I didn't know what letter she was talking about... the one I wrote to her telling her everything, but I never gave to her? or the one from the Sue Nichols Centre? It was, of course, the one from the Sue Nichols Centre, from CAMHS. It was the one I had hidden in my room, evidently not well enough. She has been through my stuff to find this letter because she "knew [I] was hiding something from [her]". Of course I was hiding something from her. I was hiding the fact that I cut into my arms and legs. She pulled apart every little thing in the letter and branded it all as a pack of lies. She decided that it was all just another instance of me "talking [her] down", "slagging [her] off" and "manipulating everyone around [me]". In the letter it said that I had expressed that mum and I have a "strained relationship". Her response was to question me as to why I thought it was strained and then say "that'd be difficult, seeing as we don't even have one in the first place". It's true. We don't have  a relationship. We might as well be two strangers. In fact, we are strangers. Everything I know about her is from observing her and from the small talk we make when we have to be together. What she knows about me is only from observation, assumptions and guessing games. The only problem with that, both ways, is that we never spend enough time together to actually know each other. She said I'm "not part of this family... unless it suits [me]". The way she sees it is that once again, it is all about what I want, when I want, how I want, where I want. You know what though? She has a go at me about "trust" and "lies", but she doesn't tell me the truth or trust me enough, or give me reason enough to trust her. It's supposed to be a two-way street and at the moment, it's like a crack in a pane of glass. She went through my things. It's a shame she didn't find the letter I wrote her really.... She might actually have an idea what's going on in my head then. She brought up dad as well, and how I went there the other week when she has banned me unless I'm with the boys. I went because I just needed to see my dad, because I missed him and kept crying and I just needed my dad. She said that I "get life so easy" and she's "been single for eleven years with three kids" and I "don't make life easy for [her]". All I could think was If you really wanted to be with someone you could have done and I've tried non-stop to help with the boys and around the house and everything. I know that I'm not always at home to help, or to just be here, but I try. She started accusing me of just shutting myself in my room even when I'm not working on school stuff. She seems to think I get one essay every month. I've got about a dozen to write over the next couple of weeks before the exams start. I said to her that I was working on my RS and she instantly said "oh, that work that is over-due and you never bother doing". I already caught up on that work and spoke to my teachers about that. It's all sorted but of course she doesn't know that because she simply wasn't at the parent's evening when she ought to have been, because she "wasn't feeling well". I've been ill for the past month and not missed a single day at school. I've carried on with everything and got on with it. She couldn't even come out of the house for 2 hours maximum for the parent's evening, or for any of my concerts, as per usual. Jane turned up in her cast for one of my concerts and my parent's evening. Rhys made it to the Christmas Celebration about 5 days after his skin graft on his leg. Mum had a headache and sore neck. I want to get out of here, but if I move out to dad's or nan's, mum'll just get angrier and it'll cause more problems between them all, as well as put more pressure on dad and jane, or nan. I have friends who have said I can crash at theirs if I need to, but it's not fair on them and their families. The waiting list for a council house is far too long to help, as it's about six months and by the time I got a place, it'd be time to escape to uni. I don't have any money either, as I don't have paid job, because "money's not important", "I don't need money". I wish I had found a job. I would have money to escape and I would have a genuine excuse to be out of the house and away from my "family".

The End

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