Fourth time's the charm

I'm not bothering with a 5-minute limit this time. There's loads of things going on at the moment and I just don't know how to feel. I've come "home" for the first time in almost a month, but I'm once again shut away in my room, alone, because just after I got home after mum picked me up, Ruth turned up on the doorstep, so of course mum is downstairs with Ruth and they've put a film on, so there is no chance whatsoever for me to actually talk to her about the things I need to... Like university, because I'm sending off my application tomorrow for it, and I am terrified. I really am, and every single time I sit down and try to finalise things, I get sharp pains in my chest, not my heart I don't think, but rather my lungs. They just hurt, and I pretty much stop breathing or breathe way too fast. Add to that the fact that the universities I am applying to are ones I have barely looked at other than to see what the course is like and a brief overview of the university, and I am just one big mess. I have quite literally chosen where I am going to spend the next 3 years of my life, maybe 4, at the casual flick through the list of universities that offer the course I want to study. How stupid is that? Mum doesn't really seem to care either way. And of course back on the subject of mum... My dad has invited me and the boys over tomorrow so mum called him earlier to confirm the details. They talked, very briefly before dad handed the phone to my step-mum so that they could discuss christmas presents, but in that short time, mum said to dad about how she has "only just got [me] back and now he wants to steal [me] away" (Sorry, force of habit from studying English, I suppose). Mum acts as if she cares though, and then hardly talks to me. Earlier, we were in the kitchen, and I'm not feeling great today, as one of my favourite teachers left today and it's just not a great day, so I wanted a cuddle from my mum, so shoot me. She gave me a hug, briefly, and then pulled away because she "had to go back into the living room to see Ruth". I kept hold of her, because I just needed a cuddle, and I was trying not to cry (God, d*mn it, I'm starting now!) but all mum wanted was to go back to her friend. Mum still hasn't met Rhys either. I was going to introduce them at my concert on monday, but then mum was "feeling like cr*p again", and so couldn't go. The rest of my immediate family has met him and liked him, and I want mum to accept him, but how can she, when she's not even met him, yet doesn't seem to like him much already? xxx

The End

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