I try so hard to make everyone happy. No one knows just how hard. And do I ever succeed? No. I'm not thin enough, pretty enough, smart enough. And I try. God, do I try. But I never succeed. Never. Never winning, always failing. And it hurts. It pierces deep into my heart, stabbing more with every failure. I can never escape the pain, never ease the suffering. The look in my mother's eyes... They remind me every day of just how much I have failed her. How I can never grow up and be the smart, successful woman she is. The pain and disappointment I cause her, the way she looks down on me in shame, it kills me. I want to make her happy. But there is only one way. And I can't fail at that. I won't. Maybe Mother will forget me like everyone else. Maybe she'll forget all of my failures.
The kids at school, the haven't forgotten. They remind me everyday, telling me just how badly I fuck everything up. How ugly I am, how fat I am, how repulsive. Mocking, teasing, reminding. They're a constant reminder. A reminder of why I'm so close, minutes, maybe seconds away. So close to relief. To leaving all of this behind. No longer will I disappoint everyone. No longer will I fail. But I tried! God dammit, I tried. But it was never enough.