I sank into my chair my head in my hands. Ever had that feeling when you think your world is about to crash? As though you’re life has just ended? As if your reason for existence was just lost? It’s indescribable, incommunicable, torture.
The last time I cried was when Jade’s parents had died, the whole family had been torn up and I had been there for her, a shoulder to lean on, a friend to cry with, a boyfriend to forget all your troubles with. Now that meant nothing, she’d left me, for good. Forever.
I could feel my heart in my chest, pounding away, I could feel it but I couldn’t recognize it. It was the beat of a lonely soul, a lost soul. Tears silently cascaded down my cheeks, landing with gentle thuds on my folded arms which were crossing my torso, holding me together.
Ever since I’d met Jade all those years ago I had thought to myself she’s the one, the one I’ll have forever. When you’ve thought of something for such a long time and then it suddenly disappears it’s as if a huge hole has been burnt in your life and it’s up to you to fill it. That was what I had to do, fill the emptiness inside of me.
That last thought was able to get me walking upstairs and into bed, but that night I didn’t sleep, didn’t think, didn’t live. I lay there, consciously unconscious, my heart in tatters.
Morning brought no tears; I figured all the water had been cried out last night, I felt like such a girl crying over a breakup, the thought made me grimace, an attempt at a smile. I knew I had work but I also knew mum wouldn’t know if I didn’t turn up, I’d spend the day wandering on the beach, alone. I couldn’t face work, all my colleagues would pester me and I’d break down again. I felt wobbly and on the brink of collapse as I made my way down to the beach, I’d wash away my sorrows with the sound of the sea against the shore. I made an effort to walk the extra mile to get away from Jade and her surf school, once on the beach I wandered towards the palm trees and sank down in the shade. I was alone but far from content.