It had been five days since Lexi had talked me down from jumping...to my death. Five long, painful, lonely days; I was beginning to regret my decision not to jump. For hours the past few days, we had searched for any trace of Dinah. No note and not even a phone call, she thought I was a cheating bastard...I knew it, Lexi knew it. I'd be lucky if I ever saw her perfectly smooth face and touched her delicate body. She didn't know how badly my heart was breaking just to find even a tiny piece of her.
"Ryder, are you alright?" The voice seemed distant as I stared into the blackness of my coffee. It was all I could do not to chuck the ceramic mug across the cafe, again the voice buzzed in my ear. "Ryder?" Slowly, I dragged my eyes up from the sucking blackness to see Lexi smiling lightly at me. I scowled and dug around in my pocket for some cigarettes. I'd become compulsive with smoking and drinking, two packs a day and an innumerable amount of beer and whiskey. All to drown the painful memories of us, the ones that I would loose myself in.
"Fan-fucking-tastic," I growled lighting up a cig and pinching it between my teeth, sucking in the poisonous air that I only begged would kill me. Lexi winced at me as the waitress returned to our table, giving Lexi the soup she had ordered.
"Anything for you sir?" The waitress asked in a chipper mood. I glared daggers at her and blew the white smoke from my lungs. She coughed a bit but still smiled, pen still pressed the paper ready for me to utter an order.
"Yea," I grumbled, tapping some of the ash in a tray "Get me a bottle of Jack and a five dollar ass like yours, for the night." The waitress starred at me for a moment, shock and disgust twisting her features. She instantly retreated from our table as Lexi scolded me. What was she expecting that I'd be all rainbows and unicorns after rethinking suicide? Nope, sorry, still bitter and heart broken. Still one guy alone in a cafe filled with couples laughing and kissing.
"Ryder, you really need to just have hope. Dinah will come back, she loves you just like you love her." Lexi pleaded with me, watching my depressing spiral. What she didn't know was that I was nearing a precarious edge, one that if I fell off of I'd never come back. I chuckled, hiccuping a bit as I threw bag a swig of my sourly cold coffee. She'd brought me here after finding me in the at my apartment, this morning, brown bottles and cigarette butts littering the floor.
The hangover that pulsed painfully behind my bloodshot eyes, my limps feeling like rubber every time I moved them. The smell of the coffee didn't help to aid my ever growing nausea either.
"Listen Lexi," I growled, tossing the cig butt in the ash tray and pulling out the pack. She snatched it from me, eliciting a hateful stare. "I've given up my hope, it's been almost a week since she left...she's not coming back. She never got my message or she hopes that I'm dead like I told her I'd be. She wouldn't even come to my funeral if I had one!" I snatched back the pack, took out another smoke, and lit it. "She hates me, Lexi! To her I'm a fucking cheater! She doesn't believe that you were drunk, doesn't believe that I never felt a thing."
I slammed my hand on my table feeling the anger bubble in the pit of my stomach. Lexi flinched and recoiled a bit, frowning and sighing heavily.
"Ryder...please, stop smoking, stop drinking. You never know where she could be, she could be right around the corner trying to find you." I laughed and slapped my knee at the hysterical notion. From my wallet I pulled a picture, it was taken in Central Park. The tree's leaves were changing, turning to beautiful ambers, reds, and golds. In the image, Dinah and I were leaning against a tree hugging each other close. Laughter was written on our faces as I kissed Dinah and her face flushed as red as the leaves behind her. I was a happier guy then, less bitter...less drunk.
"This, Lexi, is all I'll ever hold of Dinah. Her image! No more cuddling on the couch, no more fun walks around the city, no more nights of unimaginable passion. IT'S ALL GONE!" I shouted at her. Lexi looked between the photo and me, then stood, placing a tip on the table.
"Maybe," she whispered in a hurt voice "Maybe the Ryder I was friends with and the one Dinah loved really did die on that bridge five days ago." With that she turned and walked away, the chiming cafe bell alerting me to her exit. I turned the photo back towards me and looked it over, fingers tracing Dinah's happy face. Tears welled in my eyes and dripped around the picture onto the table. Clenching my teeth, I swatted my coffee away. My eyes followed the smashing cup as it landed against where Lexi had just been sitting.
"I guess....I might as well leave New York. Maybe find a pub in Vegas or Berlin, at least the alcohol runs like water. If only to try and take away this sickening heartbrake." The story of us, Dinah and I, looked to much like a tragedy. All I wanted was for her to come back to me, as if that would ever happen. Pocketing the picture and the pack of smokes, I left the cafe, a multitude of eyes following me out. I flagged a cab, needle like pains striking my chest. I'd felt them ever since that night on the bridge, but I already knew the cause was something a doctor couldn't cure.
"Where to?" The cabbie asked, grunting. I quickly gave him Dinah's apartment address, already knowing she wouldn't be home. There was hardly anything there but furniture, she'd packed up and left New York...probably for good. I should have just taken the hint and left when she did. The ride seemed to last years, lights and people whipping by at an alarming rate. When I finally arrived, I threw a bunch of bills to the driver and got out. I punched the code for the building in and moved disheartened up the stairs.
I had the way to Dinah's door practically memorized, my body was on autopilot taking me there. I paused before her door, knowing it was unlocked. I stood there for a time, the silence loudly screaming in my ears. With a heavy sigh, I pushed the door in and stepped inside. Deftly, I walked to the kitchen, grabbing a bottle of Jack Daniels from the fridge and moving to her bedroom. The sheets of her bed were soft, still holding her sweet lingering scent. I curled into a ball atop the satin sheets and began to drink, hot tears stung my face as they dripped away. This would be my last memory of New York...of her...
[Story of Us by: Taylor Swift]