I'd have apologized a thousand times over if it would have made a difference. It had been two days since Ryder's shocking reality had come spilling out. Now it had become all too clear, the reason he was pulling away.
His memory would serve him more than I could now. He would never forget the horrors of his childhood.
When he called me over to his apartment, he sounded frantic. I was quick to catch a taxi up to his place. I knew now more than ever that Ryder needed me there. Always, he would need me to hold him and remind him that life could be beautiful. And I would be.
Ryder was waiting on the other side of the door, waiting to pull me into his arms and kiss me fiercely. There was no hello or even any spoken words. There was just me and him, and he was tugging me inside and closing the door softly behind him.
"Dinah," he breathed against my lips. "I want you, Dinah. I need you."
I could only nod, because everything suddenly seemed to be in slow motion, and I felt lighter than the air that surrounded me. Ryder took my hand and led me into his room with a silent uncertainty. I could feel the anxious tension between us.
It didnt last. Behind the closed door of his bedroom, we were all passion and poison, frantic kisses and clutching embraces. We kissed and kissed as our clothes slipped off our bodies. We fell into the bed, and I closed my eyes, removing each piece of the armor that had concealed me for so long. Ryder was so gentle with me, as though I was a delicate flower, something that could be broken so easily. Anthony had never been gentle.
At last Ryder was moving through me. I dug my nails into the bare skin of his back, a moan of ecstasy rising up from somewhere within me. I inhaled the moment deep into my lungs, felt all regrets fall away. In that moment, we were perfect.
After, when we were all tangled up in each other and the vivid mem0ry of what we'd just done, I let my head rest over the place where his heart beat. Such a beautiful sound.
"All of my devils are free at last," he murmured, kissing my matted and knotted hair. I mustered up a tiny smile. My permission. He was asking me for permission to heal. I knew I didnt need to say anything.
I was unsure as to how long I was laying there. I must have drifted off, because the next time I opened my eyes the sun hung much lower in the sky. Ryder's arms were still draped around me. It seemed impossible to finish any of my thoughts.
Ryder's eyes were still open. "Everything I do, my mind always comes back to you," he whispered. Part of me wanted to shift, to look into his eyes and let him know that I felt the exact same. "I wake up in the morning and it comes back to you. I step out my front door and it comes back to you. I could die-"
"Ryder," I cut him off. "I know what you're trying to say"
He sighed. There was a sort of desperation to his tone. Bitterness, even. "Do you?"
"Yes." My own voice was adamant. "And, yes. I do love you too."You're permission is all I need to feel.
[Sixx: A.M.- Permission]