What You Want To BeMature


The moment went by too fast. The boy I didnt know was standing before me, emotions splayed across his face like the colors across the sky before the most beautiful sunset. Fully exposed, and still I was so cold.

"I'm sorry," I said slowly, without really thinking about my words. I didnt want to think; I wanted to feel numb. I already felt like a car crash, and I was eager to stop feeling altogether. I needed an out, a way to reach a place where the bad didnt exist. And this boy wasnt it. "I have somewhere else to be."

And so I turned away, moving past him and towards the side of the road. The park was awaiting on the other side. I was too late to catch up with Anthony, unsure if I even wanted to. While I argued that months couldnt just be thrown away, something in me whispered he wasnt worth chasing. I would go into the park and meet my friends. I would close my eyes and feel the autumn breeze against my face. Somewhere in the cadence I would find peace.

My usual group met near the pond, stretched out on a blanket. Jessica had the guitar, and Peter had the weed. I greeted them, as well as the few others who gathered, with as realistic a smile I could muster. "Better pack a bowl," I said to the brown haired boy laying at my feet. "I'm desperate."

It wasnt long until I'd taken the last hit. "It's cashed," I said, passing the elaborate pipe back. Most people would have been sketching, glancing nervously for cops or Christians. I was beyond caring. I had found my first escape; now I needed my drug of choice.

Alyson started to play, and I let my mind wander. When I was singing, I felt as if I was in another world, a universe all of my own where nothing could touch me. Here the sky was a swirl of notes; the very ground I stood upon was melody. Alyson was humming the harmony, but I was the center, the focal point. I was the sorceress filling the city with magic. I was the queen.

My moment was shattered when a slight coughing interuppted me. Alyson stuck a wrong chord, swore under her breath, and stopped playing. My eyelids flew open; I looked up over my shoulder to see Anthony. He looked like shit, all dishelved from the blow that stranger had given him. A cigarette dangled between his fingers. His eyes were only for me.

He didnt have to ask me to stand up. I was on my feet in an instant, and then he was leading me away from the group. "I dont really think I need to say I'm sorry," he muttered. "But I want this to be over between us, so if that's what it takes."

I narrowed my eyes, surprised at my own disgust with him. "Dont say it if you dont mean it," I spat. Something stirred inside me, an urge to break down and sob. Everything was happening so suddenly; my head was spinning, spinning and I just longed for everything to stay intact. "You're crazy and selfish.  I'm sick and tired of your bullshit, Anthony. If you love me like you say, you had better start proving it."

Anthony caught me off guard, reaching for my hand and pulling me towards him. For a long time he simply stared at me, searching for something. I didnt know what it might be. "You're right, Dinah. I dont want to lose you. I dont know what I'd do without you next to me."

I found myself nodding before his words had even sunken in. Maybe it was just the weed in me that made me lean in and kiss him deeply, tongues dancing around each other as my hands fisted in his hair. Maybe it was something more. I wasnt feel too introspective just then. I wasnt really interested in feeling at all.

[What You Want To Be, Archie Star]

The End

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