Barty - Don't Mind Me

It is a gross misconception you humans have that anything that doesn't walk on two feet, smoke a pipe and speak the Queen's good English is definitely a barbarian.


I speak the Queen's good English perfectly, actually, without even a trace of an accent. We parrots are seriously misunderstood, if you ask me. Just because you idiots can't understand us, you say we're stupid - and yet WE understand YOUR languages perfectly well! Doesn't take much to work out who's the idiot here.

Hablo español, un poco frances, italiano y mucho ingles.

Still think I'm stupid?

I could speak to you in Latin, too, if I could be bothered. But I've just found a rather nice spot on the forecastle where it's halfway between sun and shade, which makes for a wonderful roost.


Ctenocephalides, I'm guessing.

Do parrots get fleas? Well, now, that little crawling thing under my left wing is definitely something King George gave me. So it must be Ctenocephalides Canis. Can parrots get dog-fleas?

Evidently so.

King George - what an idiot! I'm missing three tail-feathers because of him. He always gloats about that, whenever I go near him. Cook uses him to guard the kitchen (if I didn't know better, I'd say he doesn't trust me), and that one day when I just wanted to stretch my wings - and maybe steal some bread or something - up leaped King George and grabbed my tail!

I mean, I ask you!

Well, I hope he was spitting feathers for a month, that's all I can say!

Ah, there's Gwyn. She's got a bit of a soft spot for me (or at least, that's what I like to think... ). Maybe she'll comfort me in my present state of distress.

Rolling my shoulders to release the tension (it's what my chiropractor told me to do, I'll have you know), I spread my wings and flap smoothly down to her, clipping Macnair on the head as I do so.

Haha! What a berk. He still thinks my name is Polly.

Oh, yes, that's right. Don't mind me, Missy.

She walks straight past me.


And to think: I gave up my warm patch for her!

That's human gratitude for you.

The End

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