I could still hear the noise echoing through me, reverberating through every inch of me. All I could do was shudder and shake. I stared out into the distance, not able to focus on anything.
I wanted to cry, to pour out my emotions but they didn't care. I had just made things so much worse. So much worse.
I looked at Louise and my heart sank. She wasn't looking at me - she hadn't for a long time. But then I caught her - it was just one look but it felt like she hated me. Her eyes were so harsh, her face following suit. It had been so good and I had already ruined it. Typical.
"Stop." I murmured, the first word I had spoken in a while.
"We can't." Louise snapped. They kept on driving, ignoring me. "We don't have time for you to mess things up again."
"Then drop me off here." My voice wavered, I was scared and unsure and afraid.
"Don't be stupid." Harry shouted, not impressed with me either.
"No." It was Louise. My Louise. I could feel myself shaking more, ready to collapse. "Let him out." Was that a tear on her face? Did she still care? The van came to a stop and she opened the door. "Get out."
I clambered out and started walking away. I expected the van to leave but they stayed. I turned and looked to them, but they were deep in conversation - probably about what to do with me.
I took a deep breath, I needed the fresh air to help me think. It wasn't fair on them, me staying with them and all. I looked into the distance again, wondering if there was anywhere out there that I could go and stay, saving my friends. That was all I had wanted to do. The right thing for them. How could it have gone so wrong?
I reached into my pocket and retrieved my phone. I turned it on, watching my fingers shake as I did so. I had a couple of missed calls from Guy, just as I had suspected. I shut my eyes and pressed the dial key.
"Hey Guy. It's Silas." I mumbled into the phone. "I'm sorry about what happened between us. I'm just having such a bad trip. I needed to hear a friendly voice."
I listened to him yell at me down the phone, telling me how horrible I was and how he would never forgive me.
"We'd been together for so long, Silas and for you to just leave me like that, for no reason, was too much." He was screaming now. "Who is he, Silas? Who is he?"
I hung up, dropping the phone. I was definitely crying now as I dropped onto the ground. Guy had been so good to me, so caring and loving. I missed him but the moment I met Louise, I just felt it.
Leaving him over the phone had been one of the hardest things that I'd ever done but I had to do it so I could get to know my Louise better.
As I cried into the ground, all I could think about was him. I just wanted his arms around me again. He had been such a great boyfriend.
I looked to the van - they were still arguing. I should have told them about Guy. They'd have understood, they'd have liked him.
"There's nothing I can do, is there?" I asked the sky. "It's just mistake after mistake for me. Problem after problem. I'm no good."
I pulled myself up and started walking away from the van. "Don't look back." I whispered to myself. "They're better off without you, Silas."