It's weird to realise that I'm now watching my parents go through what I did. I know they'll eventually reach the fifth stage and accept it, but in the meantime it's still hard.
My dad sadly has reached 'bargaining'. And said he'll support unless I have bottom surgery. I don't fucking know if I do or don't want it. But one thing's for sure, I won't make that decision based on what he wants.
On the plus side being myself at work has been awesome. Everyone calls me Alex. A few slip-ups with pronouns, but I know it'll take time. I feel a lot more confident now that I don't have to hide. I never realised, but before I would always walked slouched, almost hiding myself. Now I walk upright, with head held high.
The worst part is when they tell me I was a horrible person who was just using Paul. But that's not true. I fucking loved and cared for him. Was I wrong for not telling him I was questioning my identity? Yes, most likely. But at the same time I've always been stubborn. I insisted on fighting the thoughts and feeling without embarrassing myself and telling others. I think it's because on some level, I knew it wasn't random.
I hate that I hurt Paul, but I can't change who I am. And neither can he, or what he wants in life. I just wish my parents would realise I didn't just fight this for Paul, I fought it back for them as well. I don't want my life to be turned upside down. But now that I've realised this about myself, I can't turn back and pretend. And why the hell should I? I finally know what I can do to be happy. How to fight this evading melancholy that has been around since I was 15.