A lot's happened since the 17/18th, things move fast when you make a life-changing decision I guess. My dad has called me most days to talk and see how I'm getting on. Initially those were difficult calls where he was offloading. He'd always apologise after though, admitting he should say those things to mum and not me. I guess by the time I reached the weekend I'd felt so many different things, (including mild annoyance that I have to go back to being a girl while at work >.>) that I didn't know how to react to anything.
I worked half the day on Friday, but some people were short with me. I ended up running to the bathroom for a five minute cry which I felt stupid for later. It also happened to be the day the mental health support group was meeting. The group is run by staff for staff in the hospital, it works well and everyone's understanding. Of course they had no clue what to say when I told them what had happened and about my week.
It wasn't until the end that one of them took me aside and started telling me more about what I could or couldn't do. Then it was stony silence car ride with my parents as that evening we were seeing the 'Wicked' musical, and my nan was coming as well. My dad blanked me, or tried to anyway. Mum did so pretty successfully. My brother, Ali, didn't seem to have anything to say on the subject and just acted as he normally did.
It was my nan that grabbed me and pulled me aside first. We sat in my old room/now Ali's room and she asked me to explain it. No matter how many times you try and rehearse and explain in your mind, you never manage it I think. How can I explain an ingrained feeling or sensation that tells me this is what I am? It's so vague, that most struggle to understand I think. I learned some interesting news though, which that I'm not the first person in the family line to have gender identity issues.
My granddad was the same, only he never changed himself. We rarely see him, but I think next time I do, I may have to talk with him. It'll be weird since me and my granddad aren't that close.
I was expecting her to dissuade me like my parents had done. And she did to a certain extent, but not by saying I couldn't be a guy per-say, more by highlighting the reality’s of what my life would be like. All of which I'm well aware of. She begged me not to have children, and I can understand why. I haven't really decided in that regard to be honest. In the end though, she accepted what I wanted to do I think, which was a relief. I care about what all my family members think of me, but my nan especially.
Seeing a musical I’ve wanted to watch forever was ruined a little by the lyrics. Because a lot of those words drew echoes with what was going on. Mainly that me and Paul may not make it through this. He has said he'll stay as a friend if he can't stay as a boyfriend, and that means a lot. It just also breaks my heart to think that may be the end result. But there's nothing either of us can do about it.
The next day my dad's attempt to ignore me fell to pieces and he dragged me outside for a chat. One thing I'd never seen my dad before was break down. In the back of my mind I was aware that I wasn't showing any emotion during this. Whether that because I'd been feeling far too much recently, or because - how the hell does one react when your parent breaks down? I don't know. He begged me to see a psychiatrist and get everything checked out, see if there was something else causing this that was fixable. I hated the idea that he thought I could be “fixed”, but I agreed to it. Rather than go with them to visit my Aunts, me and Paul went back to the flat.
Fast forward another day and my dad calls to tell me to do what I want too. Apparently my Aunt Jackie told him to back off and let me do what I needed. I'm forever grateful to her for it! Next was calling my cousin. Like my nan, I valued her opinion a lot. I was beyond relieved when she was fine with it. So that's where I'm at now. It's still not perfect, but its better than a week ago.