I'm trying to put into words what's going through my head at the moment. It's been two days since I stopped fighting the impulse that's been bashing at me for two years. I know all the reason I pushed the thoughts away – mostly the idea that everything would change. Which I guess is a pretty big duh when you're starting to think you're a guy, rather than your born gender, a girl.
The biggest thing to accept was Paul. By choosing to go down this road, everything between us was going to become blurred and come into question. It's hard to deal with someone else's distress when you're dealing with your own mixed up feelings. Being so aware your the cause holds you back. I have no clue what I'm meant to say or do to help him be okay with this.
My parents are staying distant to it I guess. My dad thinks I need therapy and that then I'll be fine. I know Paul hopes for this as well, but I can't lie. I don't need fixing in that form. In fact by becoming a guy, I'll be fixing myself. I still have to wait two more days until I see my doctor, then he can refer me to a specialist. From there it'll all start I guess. I know everyone in the know (Paul and my parents) will want me to come home and say the specialist turned me down. Everyone seems to act like I've made some snap decision, irrespective of the how many times I repeat that it's been going through my head for two year. Two years. Two years of wanting a flat chest, short hair and to be seen as a guy, thought of as a guy. Two years of feeling like my body was wrong. Of feeling awkward with skirts, dresses and make-up. Before I never understood what being transgender meant, I'm sure if I knew about it sooner, I would've started wondering sooner. All I know is the way I am doesn't work for me. I don't feel right in my own body and I need to change that, and I can.
My parents have made clear that they love and support me no matter what, which is a huge relief. But they've also made clear that they hope this is a phase, or that the specialists stop me at the first hurdle. I can't blame them for that, I expected nothing less when I decided to do this.
I can't pretend I don't feel like crying when my dad tells me this is breaking his heart. When they talk about how they're losing their daughter – no matter how much I tell them I'm still going to be here. And everytime Paul goes quiet and within himself. I'm desperate for him to just decide, but he can't. All I know is he's staying until he can't handle it anymore.
I can't take back this decision though. I can't sacrifice myself for others, its something I've done my whole life in this way or that. Now I'm being myself. I'm a guy, I just need to start changing my body to match that.