I'm not much of a cryer.
At least not until I'm in bed and everyone around me is asleep. It's rare for me to just look or think about a subject and find uncontrollable tears. But in this instant that's exactly what's happened. And it's so dumb. I know this is a bad time of year for me. Heck, every year before I've had a long period of writer's block. I should know not to be surprised and blame myself and feel like a complete fucking failure.
But logic rarely plays a part with me and my depressive crap.
I've been racking my brains to figure out the cause, and I know I have less free time than I used to, but that never stopped me before, I didn't care about how late it was until I looked at the clock and realised it was midnight.
I think I'm in more collabs than I was last year which isn't too bad, most people are being understanding and cutting me slack. Which in itself makes me feel guilty. Which is so fucking messed up. Writing is supposed to be my release, the thing that makes me feel good. And it's twisting into this big thing with pride and stress and making sure I meet others expectations. I know that writing is for an audience, but protag has always been where I posted first drafts, never a final thing.
I was so glad when I finished NaNoWriMo and that everyone liked it. And now I can barely manage two sentences a day. I'm used to having writer's block drag on for a week or two, but this is getting crazy. I swear I've been this way a month, maybe more. It just takes so much effort right now and I don't know what to do. I don't want to disappoint the people I'm writing with in collabs.
But in the same breath I might seriously drive myself insane and make my depression impossible to live with if I keep trying to keep up with everything. I'm actually finding myself wanting to take a break, for the first time in my life, from writing.
I want to concentrate on moving from my current job to a new one. I want to concentrate on the relate counselling so I can sort through the crap of my life. I want to concentrate on looking at flats so me and my boyfriend can eventually move in together. I want to concentrate on learning to cook and actually having the time to give my room a decent clear out. I want to concentrate on pointless, normal things. Because I'm twenty, I'm not at school anymore and I need to start looking at my life, I don't have the endless freedom to get lost in creativity and just write. Maybe it sucks, but that's reality.
But don't think for a moment I'm sad about it, I'm looking forward to leaving my parents house and becoming independent.
But I need a break from the writing, I'm not giving it up, I could never do that. But I'm taking a time-out. Sorry to everyone I'm in collabs with. I understand completely if you keep writing without me.
And my dad just walked in on me crying and cheered me up, so don't panic about my current mental health. I have no clue how long my break from protag is going to be. And don't worry, I'll still drop by to see how people are doing – you guys always make my day interesting and I love you all for reading my crappy poems and lyrics and rating my stories kindly and going to the effort to read this over-emotional rant.
Hopefully I'll be posting chapters in a few months time when everything is sorted. But no promises. I need to concentrate on myself and my own blah. I wish you the best of luck in your own writing endeavours.