Sometimes I wish I didn't reign in my temper, that I just said what I really thought. But of course I'm too polite, too worried about causing a scene and tension to dare. I simply apologise and tell myself not to mention the half dozen other reasons others don't take into account. I'm not one for patience, never have been. And maybe I should double-check facts but I get a little oblivious when I'm excited. Especially if it's been some time since anything has really happened.
Collaborations are supposed to be fun, a way to get to know people and share the joy of writing. So why do I sometimes find I have no control of what's happening to my characters? That I'm losing say in the overall plan? I don't know. I'm going to stop ranting now. There's a fifty/fifty chance I'll even post this. Because you know...the whole causing tension and issues thing.
It's annoying, because I liked the collab when it started. Now it seems like I can never get anything right with it. And feeling inadequate is never a nice feeling, no matter the circumstance surrounding it. And I'm not claiming I'm free of fault. I mess up, I'm only human. I just wish the comments wouldn't seem so harsh. Because even if they aren't meant to sound that way, my stupid SAD brain twists them that way.
Of course there are other things outside of protag. Just in general life. When my parents don't understand why I'm still down at times, because I have to be happy every single time they ask em how I am? It makes me want to shout at them to use common sense. To not assume having a job (that is starting to get soul-draining), money and a boyfriend is the pinnacle of living. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with my boyfriend, I love him to bits. But excuse me, I deserve to have down days if I bloody want them.
It's not like I ever intentional show it. They ask me how I am and I hesitate. Because I consider telling the truth. Something they insist they want to know. And then they blow up in my face for not being appreciative of what I have got. I finally got up the guts to call the counselling place that every professional keeps telling me to go to. And they're reaction was I didn't need it. Sorry if I'll believe a load of professionals over you guys with this one. Because, you know, they fully believe me when I tell them I'm depressed.
I don't know where this rant is going anymore so I'm going to sleep. Sleep well guys.