Self-Esteem and FriendsMature

I've always known I was a bit strange next to other people. One of the big hints to it was that while I have bad self-esteem about a heck of a lot of things. One of them has never really been my appearance.
Whereas nearly all of my friends growing up at one point or another seemed to hate their bodies. The only time I hated my body was when it was taking forever to develop and it earned me above and beyond teasing. But if there had been no teasing I wouldn't of cared.
I've always had the opinion that I wasn't especially pretty but I wasn't ugly either. I thought my looks were average and that didn't bother me. I didn't want to go out of my way to be pretty because I was happier wearing the baggy, comfortable clothes and not bothering with make-up.

I also suspect a small subconscious part of me avoided it on purpose so I would appear less desirable.
I suppose if I had to pick a part of my appearance I actually care the most about it would probably be my hair. And that's only because in my first years of secondary school when bullying was constant one girl randomly said I had nice hair.
See what gets me the most is that I tell this to close friends/family and such and they react the same way.
“You're not average!” which I don't get. I'm not saying it like it's a bad thing, I don't hate my appearance in any way. I just like to be realistic and there are people out there who are prettier than me. I don't mind how I actually look, I never have. The only thing I ever argue about with my appearance is whether to get my hair cut short again - And that's because it was easier to handle short.

This has effected the way I act around people. I used to have a girl mate who would constantly say she was fat or ugly which annoyed me because she was skinny as a twig and extremely pretty. At first I thought she was fishing for compliments and would actually agree with her when she said stuff, not caring that she got offended. But reassuring someone ten times a day their not fat? It gets hard.
Eventually it reached a point where I just grabbed her by the shoulders and told her she was pretty and if she said she was this or that again I'd slap her. I think she was a little shocked by the outburst, seeing as we weren't really friend by that point. We just shared a friend and put up with each other. This is one of the people who started out more a bully than a friend, but I put up with them for my best friend at the times sake so she didn't get upset by our fighting. It got pretty hard but whenever this person was mean I just brushed it off and continued to act a little odd and hyper as I usually did. Wonder why I was called the weird one...

But towards the end of secondary school she started acting more like a friend, to the point that me, her and the best friend we shared became an inseparable group. I'd never questioned why her attitude changed, I was just glad. She still isn't perfect now, she can take teasing too far and forget things I don't want people to know. That sort of stuff, but she always apologises after.
But it was when I introduced her to one of my online friends that someone actually questioned it. Yeah, maybe that was dumb of me not too.

She was doing her usual interrogation thing where she makes sure the person isn't a pedo (actually quite funny to witness) and then they asked how she knew me. I expected her to just say a friend but instead she spurted a speech about how she used to bully me but when I refused to change my attitude towards her she realised I was really nice and didn't deserve how I was being treated and how she felt bad. I didn't know how to respond to that. I mean I guess I figured it in the back of my mind, that she'd gone through personal growth and such. But I'd never expected her to talk about it. This rant has gone weirdly, I started by talking about self-esteem and ended up telling you a story about a friend lol.
Unfortunately this friends moved away and I don't really see/talk to her anymore. Which is probably why my best friend became more insistent we meet up and now I'm in this mess where I don't consider her my best friend anymore, but I think she still considers me her best friend. I mean, I still like her and if we met on the street I'd talk to her.

But after so long with her being, well I'd like to say ignorant but she's well aware of my crap. I just don't feel like seeing her, because I know if I do it won't be her, it'll her and her boyfriend, which means I can't just talk to her. Not that she wants to listen to the bad stuff. I don't know where I'm going with this. I mean the other friend who's moved wasn't brilliant at giving advice, but she listened. She usually told me to move one, it could be worse (and she had seen worse – which made me feel a little guilty when I was down around her, and explains her old behaviours, kind of). I just find it weird that I find myself wanting to talk to the person I'd never originally been that close to.

I didn't know what I was trying to talk about when I started this rant, but guess I figured it out now lol xD

The End

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